Gotta love a Friday Night...a dirt track and a Busch Light!!!

1. Your last kiss, what does it remind you of? Honestly...high school...but not in a bad way.
2. Who would you want to be tied to for twenty four hours? Um...Chris...not sure I could stand anyone else that long.
3. Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week? Forward
4. Are your eyes the same color as your moms or dads? Dad's
5. Has someone told you that they liked/loved you in the past week? Yeah...kind of.
6. Have you ever cried during a movie? Oh yeah...I am my Mother's daughter.
7. What's something you need to do? Put away laundry.
8. To whom did you last give the finger to? My Dad.
9. Do you think before you speak? Not always...that's overrated.
10. Do you write in cursive or print? Kind of a combo.
11. Could you go out in public looking like you do now? Hells no! I'm not leaving the house in a wife beater and boy shorts...nice try!
12. What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Read a text message.
13. When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? haha...that happens on a daily.
14. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? If I had to put money on it...yeah.
15. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Ha! What a time in my life...I'll let Nashty clear that one up!
16. What is something that you realized today? Sometimes life just makes you say hmmm.
17. Two days from now this time, where will you be? Hopefully in bed!
18. Could you go a month without cursing? Doubt it!
19. Are you anything like you were at this point last year? NO WAY!!! THANK THE LORD!!!
20. Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't? I'd say yes, but I really think people come in and out of our lives for a reason.
21. Do you think you are a good person? For the most part...don't you?
22. Are you a patient person? I'm workin' on it.
23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? That's nothin'
24. When was the last time you cried? I don't remember.
25. If you're being extremely quiet what’s it mean? Either I'm chill or I have a lot of shit on my mind.
26. Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? Oh yeah!!!
27. Think a lot before you fall asleep? No...I've cut that out.
28. Have you ever given a random person your number? Probably...wait...NATE! That's you!!!29. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? IDK...nothing really...at least at this point.
30. What’s the last thing that made you sad? Nathan...you wanna take this one?
31. Do you wear glasses? Sometimes...like right now.
32. Anywhere you'd rather be right now? Without a doubt!
33. Are you going anywhere for the next summer? Not farther than the dirt track from what I can tell.
34. Waiting for someone to call? NEVER
35. Have you ever kissed anyone whose name starts with a B? Ummm...that's quite the list you want me to breeze thru on a whim.
36. What does the 8th message in your inbox say and who from? Um...."No one told me, but thanks" -Chase Austin
37. Does the last person you shared a bed with mean anything to you? At the moment...no not really. Well, I guess maybe a little...HELL IDK!
38. Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J? Um...these make me think too damn much!
39. Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? Nope.
40. Does anyone hate you? Prolly.
41. Do you believe every one deserves a second chance? Nope!
42. Have you ever seen your best friend(s) cry? YES! Love you guys!
43. Are you wearing a ring, if so who gave it to you? Not at the moment...but my parents gave me one and Big Sis gave me the other.
44. Did you sleep alone last night? Yes.
45. What were you doing at 8 this morning? Work.
46. Do you have a box where you keep all your really important things? Umm...something like that.
47. What are you most looking forward to tomorrow? That silly giggle I just can't get enough of!
48. Would you rather meet the President or Paris Hilton? The President.
49. Would you ever live with anyone on your top friends? Sure.
50. Did you have a dream last night? Yeah! It was weird...not like Rodney dreaming Amy was a lesbian weird, but strange nonetheless.
51. What pissed you off today? Nothing really.
52. What does your number 1 call you? Um...do I have a number 1?
53. Have you talked to a complete asshole today? Oh yeah...that's a given everyday.
54. Do you have plans for your next birthday? No, that's too far away.
55. Who was the first person you talked to today? My Dad.
56. Do you have any siblings? Yes...JBubbs!
57. Expecting something to change in the next month? Doubtful, but I'm still prayin!
58. You're thinking about someone, aren't you? A couple people...why you ask?!?!?
59. What does your hair look like? A hot mess!
60. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? ALWAYS!
61. How many letters are in your last name? 5
62. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Depends.
63. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? NO WAY!!!
64. What are you planning on doing after this? BED...what I should've done an hour ago!

If you take a goooooooooooodddd llloook at my face...you'll see my smmmmiiiiiiilllllle looks outta place!

• Are you the shortest of all your friends? Not a chance.
• You're trapped in a room with your last ex for one day, what do you do? Are we talkin' Nick or Co? Does Nick count as an ex...um...if it were Nick I say Lord only knows...if we're talkin' Co...probably a lot of talking and a lot of lookin' at the walls.
• When was the last time you cried? Don't remember.
• Do you miss anyone? Nah, not really.
• Who was the last person you got into an argument with? Guess that'd be Marcus.
• Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? Easy breezy.
• Whats your favorite season? SPRING
• Where do you want to move to when you're older? North Carolina or the Rocky Mountains.
• What are you listening to right now? A highschool softball game.
• Are you expecting a child? Negative.
• Are you waiting for anything in particular? A chance.
• Who was the last person to really piss you off? The Verizon people!
• What time did you go to sleep last night? Early...like 10:30
• What hurts? My side...I musta bumped into something.
• Are you hungry? Nope...I had Buffalo Bob's for supper. I'm good for a couple days!
• What cant you live without? Drama so it seems...damn it!
• Are you married? Not yet.
• Do you like melons? As in my tatas or fruit?!?!? YEPPERS!
• Do you laugh a lot? No doubt!
• What was the highlight of yesterday morning? Um...I don't remember, but I'm sure between Dawn and I we did something worth laughin' about!
• What do you do when you need to relax? Take a shower.
• What was the last thing you purchased? Gasoline.
• Is there someone that knows everything or mostly everything about you? Not really.
• Have you memorized your social security number? Absolutely.
• How many hours did you sleep last night? Um...7
• What are your plans for this weekend? We're goin' racin' baby!
• Do you think you'll be a good mother/father? Sure hope so!
• Marriage in your future? It's a possibility.
• If your best friend liked your last ex, what would you do? Tell her she was a moron!
• Want to have kids before you're 30? Yes! If I don't I'll be on a baby daddy hunt...any volunteers?
• Have you kissed more than 10 people this year? Wow...I think I need a second to count...ummm I don't think so...maybe about half that! HA!
• Do you like meeting new people? Of course!
• What are you doing right now? Sittin' on the bed.
• Do you believe exes can be just friends? I do. Love you Christopher.
• Did you ever waste too much time on a certain girl/boy? Story of my life!
• Are you starting to realize anything? All sorts of things.
• If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? Without a doubt! Someone wants said, "It's better to tell someone how you feel and be rejected, than to wait until it's too late just to find out they felt the same way." Thanks B...I'll believe that forever!
• Has a girl/boy ever called you babe/baby? Daily.
• Do you believe a girl should ever make the first move? Yep! See two above!
• Have you ever seen the last person you texted naked? Yes!
• Last time you were really happy? I'm happy now.
• Last person to call you beautiful? Does cute or attractive count? They know who they are...but no business goin' out today folks!
• What color is your room? White.
• Where are your parents right now? Bed
• Whats on your bedroom floor? Nothing much.
• When was the last time you kissed someone? Sunday.
• How many piercings do you have? Just the ears.
• Are you a jealous person? Not usually.
• Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? Sometimes.
• Where is the person you have feelings for right now? Somewhere missing me that's for sure.
• Do you want any tattoos? Yep...too bad I'm a chicken shit!
• When is the last time you were in a photo-booth taking pictures with friends? Oh Lord, prolly Jr. High.
• When is your birthday? Jan. 26...got that B...Jan. 26
• What color are your eyes? Blue
• Who do you hate currently? No one.
• Have you ever just added someone just cause you thought they were cute? Guilty.
• Who last texted you? Wait...do I really want to say that...because that means I'm telling you someone I've seen naked. Wow! Nick.
• What's your current frustration? Nada.
• Is the last person you kissed mad at you? Not that I know of.
• Do you like anyone? I do...problem is...nevermind.
• Has anyone seen you in your underwear this past month? I'm sure...the window's are always open...ha!
• Are you in a relationship? NO WAY!!!
• Are you in a good mood? Yeah Buddy!
• What movie's in your DVD player? Not one.
• Do you like to cuddle? Sometimes.
• Would you ever go skydiving? It'd be a bucket list item, but again...I'm a chicken shit.
• Are you good liar? Nope, but I'm workin' on it.
• What was the last reason you screamed? My brother was attacking me!
• Do you believe the last person you kiss care's for you? Um...really, I have no clue.
• Do you want kids? Yep.
• Do you have any nicknames? Jen...and my dad calls me Brownie or Punky.
• What are you listening to? I already answered that.
• Will you be in a relationship next month? Doubtful...it's race season!
• Were you mad when you woke up this morning? Uh, no.
• What is your favorite color crayon? Blue.
• What is the dominating genre of music on your music player? A mix between hip-hop and country.
• If your favorite restaurant ended up having roaches, would you eat there? Not a chance!
• Are you more of an optimist or pessimist? Usually optimist.
• When did you last make brownies? Um it's been a few weeks.
• Is there anything that you think is impossible to say or do? No...I may have my moments...but no.
• Do you think there are circumstances when it's okay to wait for someone? Not really.
• When you meet someone you like, do you fall in love fast? I care fast, but I don't fall in love quickly no.
• In your opinion, what is the prettiest name for a girl? Claire.

Trouble

I'm not sure why I'm having so much trouble with what I have written today. It came from my heart...it was what I was feeling at the time. Although, it didn't come out how I planned and it wasn't what I was going for...they were still my words. I initially clarified the post with an additional posting...then I removed the posts. I guess I was worried about offending someone or hearting someones feelings. I've been back and forth about this all day long. Then I went and took a shower...that's where I think the best...and spend some time clearing my head and listening to my heart...you know, letting God talk to me.

I came to the conclusion that these are my words...every last one of them. Whatever I typed came from the heart. If it is perceived different than intended then so be it. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. Those who know me will understand...and those who know me and don't understand will ask. Everyone else...well...do I really care?

I'm done with this for reals...I would be more than happy to hold further discussions with anyone...but I'm not having them with my own worst enemy (my mind) any longer!

CLARIFICATION

Just to clarify. I think there may have been some confusion with my last post "BAGGAGE". I do not know nor have I ever considered Chase Austin a part-time friend nor do I consider Nate Harris a part-time friend. I also do not consider either of these men to be baggage or the cause of baggage in my life. The friendships that I have with each of them are unique and real. The happenings that I shared with each of them are personal and no one's business...but please realize that I cherish their friendships and value them each individually. The connection between the baggage and seeing the article in the LJWorld were not a direct reflection on Chase. They are simply a segway to the fact that friendships are tricky, each is unique, and each means a lot to a person. Sometimes we question those friendships or the intentions of our friends. For me the questioning comes from baggage. I have been hurt by a lot of people...friends and significant others. It is very hard for me to not be sensitive, emotional, and concerned when it comes to my friendships. I have a constant fear of being hurt...that folks is the baggage.

If you read this differently I apologize. If anyone is offended or confused, please let me know.

Chase, Nate, and Nick...if you don't understand or would prefer...I would be more than happy to remove the posts from today and talk with any of you about my thought process here and always.

*muah*Jen

Baggage

Today I open the Kansan just like any other day. Cruise through the headlines straight to my horoscope. HALT!!! My horoscope today...quite an interesting one...and as I read the headlines of the LJWorld...probably a quite fitting one...here goes:

HOROSCOPE: Aquarius: Today is a 6. Get rid of your spare baggage, both literal and figurative. As you've already discovered, you'll need to travel light. That goes for the mental and physical baggage, too, of course.

BAGGAGE...that word really makes me sink. Yes, everyone has baggage and most don't like to admit it. Thing is...baggage seems to be the one thing we want to get rid of yet just can't bear to let go. Reading this today, I think about the past year or so...I have gotten rid of quite a bit of baggage, yet I'm sure that I have added more than I know. Digressing I have to point out that I have alleviated a boyfriend that was probably around way too long, had a terrible fight with a best friend that lasted nearly the entire summer, I have lost two very dear loved ones, changed jobs...how many times now, I'm pretty sure I lost count last April, I have also met a lot of new people (friends and boys) and watched most of them come and go already. Life is funny when it comes to things like that. I'm sure all of the above and many more have added to the current baggage I carry...mentally and physically. I remember going through this little phase back in Novemberish...where I just wanted to throw away everything...including all of my Tupperware. Not sure what that little stint was about, but I've noticed it really isn't over. I'll take something out of the dishwasher and toss it...thinking I don't need this...or walk into the spare bedroom and come out with five things I don't even know why I have. So, now, today, reading this horoscope I reflect on what I need to let go of...really let go of...mentally and physically.

THIS IS FOR REAL: The first indication that I am surrounding myself with the wrong people...not bad people, just people that don't really give a shit about me...or at least don't know how to show it...was opening the LJWorld and seeing the article..."NASCAR driver throws first pitch at the K" (or whatever it was titled). This man (young man) that I thought was a friend hasn't been so much since his last stop in Kansas...why? No f*n clue! All that I know is I don't need to surround myself with people that want to be part-time friends. Regardless of your career or anything else in your life, true friends are friends to the end...they are the friends you had when you were playing on dirt...the ones who will still be at your side when you have your name in lights...or, if you are forced to stop the chase and come back home. Now, that's the kind of friend that I want and the kind of friend I want to be. No folks, I'm not worried about my friendship with Chase. I'm just sayin' your friends shouldn't have to read about shit in the paper...they should already know. I know that there are a lot of variables that go into ones actions and I get that. Now, if one instance turns to pattern, then you have to question things.

WHAT ELSE: This leads to other people in my life. Other instances turning to patterns...Starting with Nathan...I love Nathan to death...our history is interesting...the story of how we met is priceless. We kinda talked for awhile...things didn't work out...we were not at all on the same page. After quite the argument and a little break, we became friends. Nate was an amazing friend...however, it was quickly obvious that the interest hadn't gone anywhere. Yet, today having Nate in my life I see a lot of patterns between us that were there in the beginning. That isn't ok for me. There was a reason I cut Nate out of my life from the start. First time shame on him...please, Nathan, let's not get to shame on me. Question is, to avoid getting there...do I need to make some sort of move? Is this baggage?

Nick...what do you want? That's all I really want to know. Talk about hot and cold, I've said this before...I don't get why this man keeps trying to come and go in my life...for what really??? I have a feeling that there is some baggage there from the first time around...but I also have a feeling for some reason, I don't want to let it go...strange! I don't understand.I could go on forever, but you get the drift...I have multiple male friends that could be the cause for some baggage...I guess technically mental baggage, but I'm not sure.

I have been told a couple of similar things lately from my friends...one said: Jen, do you really need any more guy friends. I know, I have a ton of them, but let's be real...I don't like girls...girls mean drama and I can't deal with that shit. Another said: I think you don't need any more guy friends, you need to date. Ok, fair enough, but why the hell is it that I meet guys...many with great potential for more...yet, I always end up with really great friends. Is that all bad? I don't know the answer. Probably not...but they sure do add to baggage that's already there...WAIT! Maybe that's the real problem.

REAL ISSUE: I think we are finally getting somewhere...maybe. Could the real issue here be the baggage left from my past? The baggage of my last serious relationship. I mean, think about it...that relationship aided in plenty of hurt and/or lost friendships, stress with my family, financial issues, major trust issues...I could probably go on forever. Thing is...I realize that I was in a bad situation and I am no longer in that situation. I don't have any desire to be in that situation again. There is virtually no contact with that person...and I am just fine with that. Let's see where we've gotten since that breakup...

• I have rekindled a few friendships, but unfortunately, the won't be what they were before. I have also made many others.
• I have also worked really hard to be a better part of my family. My family means the world to me and I need to be sure to never let anyone or anything get in the way of my time with them. So far, so good.
• My financial situation is great. I'm finally getting my savings account back and I don't need anyone to pay my bills (never did). My money is mine...no one will be touching that.
• Trust...trust is a whole different beast! Not only were there trust issues in my relationship, it seems there were some trust issues with some of my friendships as well. Bryant and I wouldn't have had nearly the trouble we did had there not been some trust issues there. I believe that if we had truly trusted each other, we would've talked through everything all at once, been on the same page and moved forward. Then there's Nick, the first guy I really really talked to after my break up...the first man I actually spent time with. I trusted him...looking back, probably too much. It was almost like I went from not being able to trust anyone to trusting someone too much. I have no f*n clue half the things he did while we were talking...and that's ok. I just know that I have to be able to find a balance here. When you get hurt over and over, trust is a hard thing to give.
  

BOTTOM LINE: I think the bottom line here is I have to surround myself with people who care about me as much if not more than I can care about them. I'm not sure who these people are in my life, but I'm trying to figure it out. I think having this philosophy is great for family, friends, and potential significant others. My weakness when it comes to dating is letting men get away with things I would never take from friends...that is a work in progress. If I just remember that those who care about me aren't afraid to show it...whether its a text to say what's up...a five minute visit from a friend who's in town just for a couple days...a post on my facebook or myspace page...a card just to say I'm thinkin' of you...anything, little things! I, just like anyone else, want to know that people care about me. Everything else will fall together in due time!

POINT: Wow...this really took a turn from where I started. Just to clarify...this post isn't about a man...havin' a man, wanting a man, getting a man...this post is about friendship...true friendship!!! Also, my spare room still needs some work...there is a lot of physical baggage that I need to get rid of...I'm working on that though...slowly but surely.

TRAVELING LIGHT: The horoscope also says something about knowing that I am going to have to travel light. I don't know what this means really. I do know that I am wanting to move this summer...not sure where I'm moving too...even if it's down the street, I think this move needs to be a fresh start for me. Along with that, I have been searching for a new job...a job I love...a job I'm passionate about. If that comes along, I need to be able to dive in without any other worries. I hope that something will come along where my friends are near...be it in motorsports in Charlotte where Chase is (and these people I used to know...the Bowyers...now I think the Hamburger Helper Hand knows Clint, better than I do, but still) or the NFL where my boys from college live...something in basketball even...development so Nashty and Nate might be around. Or, even, a change of ownership and a place back at Heartland Park wouldn't be so bad...you know dirt has a special place in my heart. Whatever, lies a head I am ready to tackle it...I just hope the people who are there with me then will be there with me now. The people who aren't here with me now...I can't allow to be there with me then. Think about it...what would Diddy do?

Blessings,
Jen

THE MEN IN MY LIFE...

I got to reflecting a little today about the men in my life. I find it very intriguing how different each one is. Now, I'm not talking about my Dad and my baby brother or my little nephews or any other family member. I'm talking about the rest of the guys in my life...the guys who have an impact they probably don't recognize and I'm sure an impact that no one truly understands but God!

There's...

• the one who will always be my best friend...we have a history and a relationship most don't understand. He has a place in my heart that no one can touch...and yes, I know he's in love.
• the one who lives states away...we have secrets we don't need to share & some days there's nothing but business talk there. This one is strange because rarely do our business and personal paths cross on the same day...this one is special, in it's own way.
• the one where ... can say so much and personal and business always touch. One of my best friends he will always be...the questions that could've been answered years ago, forever now will probably be.
• the one who's laugh lights up a room. He can turn your day from miles away. All my girls say he could be perfect for me...and wonder why we can't just get to it already.
• the one who's confused. I think boot camp would do. He's a Katy Perry song to a T...he's hot then he's cold...that shit got old! Now he pops up to say 'what's up'. Why won't he stay gone...some say I don't want this one to be done. I think I deserve more than that...I don't need that kind of crap.
• the one who's a blast from the past...still separated by the Gateway to the West. Two great weekends and curiosity, but distance there will always be.
• the one who's a great friend, yet he would like our talkin' days to start over again. For some reason this one has always been tough...things have always been pretty rough. The only way to make this one clear must be time and prayer!
• last but not least...the one that means a lot to me. For years he has been in and out of my life...but the timing always seems just right. He always knows just what to say and sometimes uses his waterdrop to spin my day. We have had talks of 'what ifs' and just friends...trust we have had our share of misunderstandings. Friends like this don't come along very often and you have to be sure to take them to your coffin!

Each of these men has impacted my life in their own way...and they still are today. I'm not sure how these relationships will fall together and apart. I don't know what they all mean and I don't think knowledge of the meaning is what I need. What I do know is this...for each of them I have been blessed!!!

If you can't figure out which guy is which hit my up and maybe I'll dish.

Apologies as this seemed to have turned rather poetic!

Normal......???

"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well" -Joe Ancis

This was the Quote of the Day when I logged on to check my blog this morning. It caught my eye because if you think about it...it is so true!!! Normal is the TV anchor woman who was born and raised in the town she is reporting in with 2 beautiful kids, married to the rival stations anchor man. I'm sure that as with each of us if you dig a little deeper, her world isn't so perfect, isn't so normal, any more than yours or mine.

I know that I could go through my facebook friends list and myspace too for that matter and tell you one thing that makes each of my friends not normal, but I'll save them from that. I guess that raises the question of what is normal. Is normal the perfect little life? Living the American Dream? OR is normal having your share of issues, yet being able to forget them and think about nothing but your dirt track friends the moment 'Chicken Fried' comes on the radio?

Regardless of your definition of normal, I think it is all relative. Your normal is probably not my normal and my normal surely isn't yours. Yet, when it comes down to it, nothing in life is perfect. If we all remember that perfection isn't normal, then in a sense we each are normal regardless of our abnormalities!