From the 3B to ME

With race season drawing to a close, I am no longer forced to focus on the 3B as I sit down to write. Although this summer proved to be one of the most enjoyable race season yet, I am glad to see the leaves changing as the checkered flag has finally dropped on the 2009 season.

Don't get me wrong, I have a passion for racing like no other and to be able to sit down and share that with each of you as well as Nic, his family, and fans has been amazing. I am, however, anxious to be able to write about another one of my passions a little more regularly for a few months........myself and my life ;-)

My goal now, with things slowing down briefly for Bidinger Motorsports, is to be able to catch up with my personal writing. A lot has happened in my life the past few months and I am excited to share. I apologize, as I probably won't be able to include all the happenings I would if I were writing as I went, but I will try to touch on the most important things. The biggest of which will be final tomorrow and I am very excited to write about that very soon!!!

*hugs*
~Jen

Hangin' With Cooper

A few months back I received news that my long lost Chicken Soup buddy was going to be a daddy. Although, I was very happy for Jamie, thoughts that I had had when he told me he was making the move to San Antonio came flooding back...

"No, you moron!"
"You know she's not right for you."
"I haven't met this chick, but I don't like her."
"What the hell are you thinking?!?"
"Go ahead and head to TEXAS, check out the big hair, the chicka that doesn't get give-and-take, you'll be back in no time."
"San Antonio, ha, you move to Texas you'll be goin' through the Big D and straight back to the WU Sidelines."

...I could go on and on, but you get the point.

For the first few months after JO left for Texas, I knew that he wasn't happy and thought for sure he'd want to come running back home. He found a job that left him traveling a lot and I knew that wouldn't fly with Supermom for long considering what's the difference between always traveling and living in another state - REALLY?

I remember phone call after phone call from lonely hotel rooms and trade shows along the road. I was lost at HPT and he was lost somewhere between room service and the next airing of SportsCenter. Gradually, the phone calls slowed, then stopped, then came the email they bought a house, then the family was growing (WELCOME MIA), then the bomb........Supermom was going to have a baby......."WHAT?!? This really is working? Could he really be happy now, he hasn't been happy for as long as I've known him.......hmmm"

Now, Cooper James Overocker, the cutest little boy in the world, has arrived! He's here and for the first time in the 3 years I've known him, JO looks happy...

......that smile on his face and sparkle in his eye is unmistakable.....perfect really.

So, JO - I never thought I'd see this day come or things unfold the way they have, but I'm so happy for you! It's funny how things work out isn't it?!?! I can't wait 'til Cubby starts learning how to talk so I can teach him the Rock Chalk chant! Miss you tons! *hugs*

Check out more JO & Cubby happenings at hanginwithcooper.blogspot.com! It is so much fun to watch as JO & Supermom go through things for the first time and to see Cubby grow right before your eyes from states away!

Ideas

I have just a few ideas for upcoming posts and hope to get them up as soon as I can.

-Thunderhill Speedway Drops the Checkered on the 2009 Season Bringing the Mike Henry Era to an End
-How Many Different Ways Do You Have To Tell A Guy You Are Not Interested Before He Gets It?
-Mary Kay - A Cult Or A Small Business Opportunity? Makeup & Money.......Maybe?
-Burnout! How To Keep A Story Fresh When The Results Are The Same.
-My Take On "Hangin With Cooper"
-Why is it the guys you want in the 'friend-zone' want out and the guys that you are interested in just want to be in the 'friend-zone'? AND What's with the random pop back into your life moments?
-HOUSE SHOPPING!!!

The more I type this little list, the more ideas that come to mind. I am going to stop there, as I'm not sure I can keep up if I give myself too much to write about.

Wow - It's Been Awhile!

Life has been crazy busy lately. I have not had a lot of extra time and when I do I tend to go for sleeping! ;-) When I do have time to sit down and breathe, it never seems like I have words...thus, I have not written a new blog entry for some time.

I will do my best to get back on the bandwagon! I am hoping that once race season comes to an end, I will have more time to dedicate to blogging. At this point in time, all my words go to the Nic Bidinger Racing Fan Club.

Stay tuned!!! Hopefully you will find some great new entries in the very near future!

*hugs*
~Jen

New Adventures

I had another article published last week. It was a feature on Nic Bidinger. Nic is a local dirt track racer...and major hottie might I add! ;-) Ok, seriously, that's a completely different blog! ANYWAY! The story on Nic not only went on midwestdirt.com as did the Mike and White article, but it also was placed on inthepits.net. The links to both are below! Aside from this article, I have also created a couple of Fan Club pages on Facebook to moderate. One is for Nic...he is going to try to help keep it updated, so he thinks, but the boy is super busy, so it will stay on the top of my list for awhile. The other is for Kyle Covert...I'm pretty sure Kyle is great with me keeping it up-to-date for him! :-) Be sure to check them out and JOIN!!!

midwestdirt.com: http://www.midwestdirt.com/viewtopic.php?f=59&t=1574&sid=6acfb2f590a7427356f5562510e8a167

ITP: http://www.inthepits.net/features293.html

Published!

FULL STORY AS PUBLISHED: http://www.midwestdirt.com/viewtopic.php?f=59&t=1506

Mike and White Productions Gears Up to Get Fans Up-Close and Personal with Midwest Dirt

By: Jen Brown

Mike Higley and Rodney White are average race fans, but the work they are doing for racers on Midwest dirt is anything but average. Higley and White realized a need and with the right equipment and a passion for dirt racing the two set out to capture racing on dirt from a new angle - on video.

Mike and White Productions is bringing Midwest dirt to your finger tips. The thrill ride provided by their videos is sure to get you through the work week and to your local track the first chance you get.

“Our videos are all over the place and that is what makes it interesting and exciting because you never know what is coming next. If that brings a smile to someone’s face then we have done our job,” said White.

Drivers are the priority for Mike and White Productions. The goal is showcasing racers as superstars, and providing exposure to new markets and fans. The digital promotion will take dirt fans to a new seat at the track - behind the wheel.

“We believe that Joe Saturday Night racer is as special as Dale Jr., or Jeff Gordon,” said Higley.

The duo seeks to capture a night under the lights from a racers point of view. The unique look at dirt racing will bring a new level of excitement as fans wait for the next green flag to drop.

Buckle up and settle in for a great ride around the smooth Midwest dirt in the latest production from Mike and White.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1g-XHanUbgg

*Thanks to Rodney and Mike for giving me the opportunity to do this story and to Wiggy for posting it on midwestdirt.com*

Thunderhill Speedway

Today has been a rather sad day for me as I just sent the following letter via email to Mike and Joey Henry regarding my future involvement and the current situation at Thunderhill. This was a very hard and well thought out decision and I wish them all the best.

-------------------------------------

Mike and Joey,

After a lot of prayer and consideration I have arrived at the conclusion that it would be best for me to remove myself from the current situation at Thunderhill. You both, as well as Cheryl, have done a lot for me personally and in the racing community over the years and it is very hard to watch what is happening at the track as of late.

In wishful thinking and knowing the potential Thunderhill has, I thought for sure the first week this season was a fluke and everything would be turned around in a timely manner. However, this has not been the case. I know that Thunderhill could be a top-notch place for dirt track racing in the area as it was not so long ago. In order for this to occur changes must be made. I have not seen the effort in having these changes take place.

Not only do I worry for the safety of our drivers, I also have a concern for the staff and fans. The fire crew has left a lot to be desired and their lack of attentiveness and response is unacceptable. The stands need more than a little TLC...with old wood that is shaky at best, it made me nervous to climb to see my dad who had strategically placed him self at a point over the metal structure in hopes that if the boards gave out he'd save himself from a fall. The scoring tower is not only completely unsightly and rotted away, but it is unacceptable and dangerous. You should not put your announcer or scoring staff in such an unsafe place, let alone allow fans to come into the structure to collect 50/50 monies and other prizes. I understand that it is the plan to replace the tower when the weather cooperates, but as things seem to be going, I cannot hold my breath for that while praying I don't fall through the current one at any given moment.

It breaks my heart to walk away from a great family, great friends, and a facility with all the potential in the world. However, I don't know what else to do. I cannot put myself in that situation or watch as our drivers are put in a situation I feel is unsafe. Should a repeat of Grant Junghans 2008 HPT fire occur on the back-stretch or a heart attack and infield crash that required CPR and a life-flight like what occurred back in 2000 or 2001 (I can't remember the exact date for sure) happen again, I'm not confident that the on track staff and fire/safety crew would be able to properly react. Are you...really? In making this decision someone asked me when will it be enough...when does it cross the line...is it when someone you care about is in a ball of flames or they've barrel-rolled down the front-stretch and the fire crew still doesn't respond or is it now before you have to witness such a thing? I hope that situation never occurs, however, we all know that it is a possibility...I can't sit back in a falling tower and watch that...I'm sorry.

We are all pulling for you and want to be there every Saturday night, but we just can't with things the way they are. I say we meaning, myself, fans and drivers that you and I both know have made their way to HPT or Valley or elsewhere to date and anyone else that shares these thoughts, feelings, and hopes.

You have my continued support and I wish you all the best as you move forward this season and want nothing more than for you to make steps needed to keep Thunderhill not only open and operating, but doing so successfully. Please, start showing the racing community signs that there isn't a self-destruction in progress.

Love you guys!
Blessings!
~Jennifer

two per week - two weeks straight

A few weeks ago I found an article on msn.com about some chick who had went on 100 dates in one summer. She wasn't sleeping with any of these men, just going out on dates getting to know new people...and more importantly getting to know herself and what she wanted out of a relationship. I shared this with a co-worker who immediately suggested that I take the same approach to my upcoming summer. Sounded stressful to be honest! I thought that it was a completely crazy idea and that there was no way I could even come close to talking to that many men in one summer. In a later discussion with one of my buddies at the race track...he suggested I take the man's approach to my summer and just f* anything and everything I wanted. Yes I said that I wanted because he made it very clear that I could do just that...pick any man out of a crowd and have my way with him ;) It goes without saying...but...THAT'S NOT ME!!!

So, I have decided to take the basic principle that my friends were speaking from and spend this summer with a carefree attitude and try to meet as many new people as possible and hangout with who I want when I want with no worries. The idea in my head is that in doing this I will get to know a lot about myself...you know, just file away the baggage of this past year and the things before that which have let me put who I really am out of sight. Hopefully I will also meet a lot of really amazing people and possibly make a few lasting friendships. Lastly...this will help me to figure out what I do and don't want out of a relationship and, if I'm lucky, maybe even bring forth someone worthy of something a little more serious than a few dates during a carefree summer.

How's that working for me so far you may ask...
Well, I have met a few awesome people...talked more to some that I already knew... -AND- I have spent time with 2 guys per week for the past 2 weeks! Guess it's going alright so far. Now, who are these fellas you may ask. None of your business I would answer! I will tell you this: Each guy that I am getting attention from or spending time with isn't necessarily boyfriend material...and I'm great with that. Out of the four guys that I have kicked it with since this began I would say only one has potential...and even that is pretty low. Another...well, there are underlying circumstances that don't allow for thoughts of potential. There is this one that's a crazy player...which is cool...hell, look at what I'm doing. Bad thing is, he's in major denial! The final one to be described* has some issues that I'm just not willing or able to attempt to tackle.

*descriptions were not given in timeline order, but rather just the order I thought them up.

How am I going to be able to hang on to one that may be something special you may wonder...
My phone is blowing up on a daily basis...by some individuals that I have or will spend time with and by others that are merely entertainment for that particular moment in time. That coupled with the fact that I am openly speaking up about my intentions and lack there of could make it difficult to keep someone special around. *NEWSFLASH* I'm not an idiot!!! If someone comes into the rotation ;-) that is worthy of being at the top of the TO GET ATTENTION list then by all means...that is exactly where they will go and the others will be weeded out in a more timely fashion.

So - for clarification: I am single and I am going to do what I want, when I want, with who I want and I don't give a damn how you feel about that! If you want to kick it or chat then by all means...let's get to it. If you can't handle the fact that this is my outlook on summer then keep steppin'! If you think you can change this current philosophy of mine...by all means, give it a shot...God willing you might just succeed. But please...don't hold your breathe...you turning blue and passing out may get me to call 911, but it will not get me to makeout with you ;-)

Will this bring out the one or just make for one hell of a ride??? I have no idea, but I can't wait to find out!

*hugs*
~Jen

Gotta love a Friday Night...a dirt track and a Busch Light!!!

1. Your last kiss, what does it remind you of? Honestly...high school...but not in a bad way.
2. Who would you want to be tied to for twenty four hours? Um...Chris...not sure I could stand anyone else that long.
3. Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week? Forward
4. Are your eyes the same color as your moms or dads? Dad's
5. Has someone told you that they liked/loved you in the past week? Yeah...kind of.
6. Have you ever cried during a movie? Oh yeah...I am my Mother's daughter.
7. What's something you need to do? Put away laundry.
8. To whom did you last give the finger to? My Dad.
9. Do you think before you speak? Not always...that's overrated.
10. Do you write in cursive or print? Kind of a combo.
11. Could you go out in public looking like you do now? Hells no! I'm not leaving the house in a wife beater and boy shorts...nice try!
12. What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Read a text message.
13. When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? haha...that happens on a daily.
14. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? If I had to put money on it...yeah.
15. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Ha! What a time in my life...I'll let Nashty clear that one up!
16. What is something that you realized today? Sometimes life just makes you say hmmm.
17. Two days from now this time, where will you be? Hopefully in bed!
18. Could you go a month without cursing? Doubt it!
19. Are you anything like you were at this point last year? NO WAY!!! THANK THE LORD!!!
20. Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't? I'd say yes, but I really think people come in and out of our lives for a reason.
21. Do you think you are a good person? For the most part...don't you?
22. Are you a patient person? I'm workin' on it.
23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? That's nothin'
24. When was the last time you cried? I don't remember.
25. If you're being extremely quiet what’s it mean? Either I'm chill or I have a lot of shit on my mind.
26. Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? Oh yeah!!!
27. Think a lot before you fall asleep? No...I've cut that out.
28. Have you ever given a random person your number? Probably...wait...NATE! That's you!!!29. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? IDK...nothing really...at least at this point.
30. What’s the last thing that made you sad? Nathan...you wanna take this one?
31. Do you wear glasses? Sometimes...like right now.
32. Anywhere you'd rather be right now? Without a doubt!
33. Are you going anywhere for the next summer? Not farther than the dirt track from what I can tell.
34. Waiting for someone to call? NEVER
35. Have you ever kissed anyone whose name starts with a B? Ummm...that's quite the list you want me to breeze thru on a whim.
36. What does the 8th message in your inbox say and who from? Um...."No one told me, but thanks" -Chase Austin
37. Does the last person you shared a bed with mean anything to you? At the moment...no not really. Well, I guess maybe a little...HELL IDK!
38. Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J? Um...these make me think too damn much!
39. Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? Nope.
40. Does anyone hate you? Prolly.
41. Do you believe every one deserves a second chance? Nope!
42. Have you ever seen your best friend(s) cry? YES! Love you guys!
43. Are you wearing a ring, if so who gave it to you? Not at the moment...but my parents gave me one and Big Sis gave me the other.
44. Did you sleep alone last night? Yes.
45. What were you doing at 8 this morning? Work.
46. Do you have a box where you keep all your really important things? Umm...something like that.
47. What are you most looking forward to tomorrow? That silly giggle I just can't get enough of!
48. Would you rather meet the President or Paris Hilton? The President.
49. Would you ever live with anyone on your top friends? Sure.
50. Did you have a dream last night? Yeah! It was weird...not like Rodney dreaming Amy was a lesbian weird, but strange nonetheless.
51. What pissed you off today? Nothing really.
52. What does your number 1 call you? Um...do I have a number 1?
53. Have you talked to a complete asshole today? Oh yeah...that's a given everyday.
54. Do you have plans for your next birthday? No, that's too far away.
55. Who was the first person you talked to today? My Dad.
56. Do you have any siblings? Yes...JBubbs!
57. Expecting something to change in the next month? Doubtful, but I'm still prayin!
58. You're thinking about someone, aren't you? A couple people...why you ask?!?!?
59. What does your hair look like? A hot mess!
60. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? ALWAYS!
61. How many letters are in your last name? 5
62. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Depends.
63. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? NO WAY!!!
64. What are you planning on doing after this? BED...what I should've done an hour ago!

If you take a goooooooooooodddd llloook at my face...you'll see my smmmmiiiiiiilllllle looks outta place!

• Are you the shortest of all your friends? Not a chance.
• You're trapped in a room with your last ex for one day, what do you do? Are we talkin' Nick or Co? Does Nick count as an ex...um...if it were Nick I say Lord only knows...if we're talkin' Co...probably a lot of talking and a lot of lookin' at the walls.
• When was the last time you cried? Don't remember.
• Do you miss anyone? Nah, not really.
• Who was the last person you got into an argument with? Guess that'd be Marcus.
• Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? Easy breezy.
• Whats your favorite season? SPRING
• Where do you want to move to when you're older? North Carolina or the Rocky Mountains.
• What are you listening to right now? A highschool softball game.
• Are you expecting a child? Negative.
• Are you waiting for anything in particular? A chance.
• Who was the last person to really piss you off? The Verizon people!
• What time did you go to sleep last night? Early...like 10:30
• What hurts? My side...I musta bumped into something.
• Are you hungry? Nope...I had Buffalo Bob's for supper. I'm good for a couple days!
• What cant you live without? Drama so it seems...damn it!
• Are you married? Not yet.
• Do you like melons? As in my tatas or fruit?!?!? YEPPERS!
• Do you laugh a lot? No doubt!
• What was the highlight of yesterday morning? Um...I don't remember, but I'm sure between Dawn and I we did something worth laughin' about!
• What do you do when you need to relax? Take a shower.
• What was the last thing you purchased? Gasoline.
• Is there someone that knows everything or mostly everything about you? Not really.
• Have you memorized your social security number? Absolutely.
• How many hours did you sleep last night? Um...7
• What are your plans for this weekend? We're goin' racin' baby!
• Do you think you'll be a good mother/father? Sure hope so!
• Marriage in your future? It's a possibility.
• If your best friend liked your last ex, what would you do? Tell her she was a moron!
• Want to have kids before you're 30? Yes! If I don't I'll be on a baby daddy hunt...any volunteers?
• Have you kissed more than 10 people this year? Wow...I think I need a second to count...ummm I don't think so...maybe about half that! HA!
• Do you like meeting new people? Of course!
• What are you doing right now? Sittin' on the bed.
• Do you believe exes can be just friends? I do. Love you Christopher.
• Did you ever waste too much time on a certain girl/boy? Story of my life!
• Are you starting to realize anything? All sorts of things.
• If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? Without a doubt! Someone wants said, "It's better to tell someone how you feel and be rejected, than to wait until it's too late just to find out they felt the same way." Thanks B...I'll believe that forever!
• Has a girl/boy ever called you babe/baby? Daily.
• Do you believe a girl should ever make the first move? Yep! See two above!
• Have you ever seen the last person you texted naked? Yes!
• Last time you were really happy? I'm happy now.
• Last person to call you beautiful? Does cute or attractive count? They know who they are...but no business goin' out today folks!
• What color is your room? White.
• Where are your parents right now? Bed
• Whats on your bedroom floor? Nothing much.
• When was the last time you kissed someone? Sunday.
• How many piercings do you have? Just the ears.
• Are you a jealous person? Not usually.
• Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? Sometimes.
• Where is the person you have feelings for right now? Somewhere missing me that's for sure.
• Do you want any tattoos? Yep...too bad I'm a chicken shit!
• When is the last time you were in a photo-booth taking pictures with friends? Oh Lord, prolly Jr. High.
• When is your birthday? Jan. 26...got that B...Jan. 26
• What color are your eyes? Blue
• Who do you hate currently? No one.
• Have you ever just added someone just cause you thought they were cute? Guilty.
• Who last texted you? Wait...do I really want to say that...because that means I'm telling you someone I've seen naked. Wow! Nick.
• What's your current frustration? Nada.
• Is the last person you kissed mad at you? Not that I know of.
• Do you like anyone? I do...problem is...nevermind.
• Has anyone seen you in your underwear this past month? I'm sure...the window's are always open...ha!
• Are you in a relationship? NO WAY!!!
• Are you in a good mood? Yeah Buddy!
• What movie's in your DVD player? Not one.
• Do you like to cuddle? Sometimes.
• Would you ever go skydiving? It'd be a bucket list item, but again...I'm a chicken shit.
• Are you good liar? Nope, but I'm workin' on it.
• What was the last reason you screamed? My brother was attacking me!
• Do you believe the last person you kiss care's for you? Um...really, I have no clue.
• Do you want kids? Yep.
• Do you have any nicknames? Jen...and my dad calls me Brownie or Punky.
• What are you listening to? I already answered that.
• Will you be in a relationship next month? Doubtful...it's race season!
• Were you mad when you woke up this morning? Uh, no.
• What is your favorite color crayon? Blue.
• What is the dominating genre of music on your music player? A mix between hip-hop and country.
• If your favorite restaurant ended up having roaches, would you eat there? Not a chance!
• Are you more of an optimist or pessimist? Usually optimist.
• When did you last make brownies? Um it's been a few weeks.
• Is there anything that you think is impossible to say or do? No...I may have my moments...but no.
• Do you think there are circumstances when it's okay to wait for someone? Not really.
• When you meet someone you like, do you fall in love fast? I care fast, but I don't fall in love quickly no.
• In your opinion, what is the prettiest name for a girl? Claire.

Trouble

I'm not sure why I'm having so much trouble with what I have written today. It came from my heart...it was what I was feeling at the time. Although, it didn't come out how I planned and it wasn't what I was going for...they were still my words. I initially clarified the post with an additional posting...then I removed the posts. I guess I was worried about offending someone or hearting someones feelings. I've been back and forth about this all day long. Then I went and took a shower...that's where I think the best...and spend some time clearing my head and listening to my heart...you know, letting God talk to me.

I came to the conclusion that these are my words...every last one of them. Whatever I typed came from the heart. If it is perceived different than intended then so be it. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. Those who know me will understand...and those who know me and don't understand will ask. Everyone else...well...do I really care?

I'm done with this for reals...I would be more than happy to hold further discussions with anyone...but I'm not having them with my own worst enemy (my mind) any longer!

CLARIFICATION

Just to clarify. I think there may have been some confusion with my last post "BAGGAGE". I do not know nor have I ever considered Chase Austin a part-time friend nor do I consider Nate Harris a part-time friend. I also do not consider either of these men to be baggage or the cause of baggage in my life. The friendships that I have with each of them are unique and real. The happenings that I shared with each of them are personal and no one's business...but please realize that I cherish their friendships and value them each individually. The connection between the baggage and seeing the article in the LJWorld were not a direct reflection on Chase. They are simply a segway to the fact that friendships are tricky, each is unique, and each means a lot to a person. Sometimes we question those friendships or the intentions of our friends. For me the questioning comes from baggage. I have been hurt by a lot of people...friends and significant others. It is very hard for me to not be sensitive, emotional, and concerned when it comes to my friendships. I have a constant fear of being hurt...that folks is the baggage.

If you read this differently I apologize. If anyone is offended or confused, please let me know.

Chase, Nate, and Nick...if you don't understand or would prefer...I would be more than happy to remove the posts from today and talk with any of you about my thought process here and always.

*muah*Jen

Baggage

Today I open the Kansan just like any other day. Cruise through the headlines straight to my horoscope. HALT!!! My horoscope today...quite an interesting one...and as I read the headlines of the LJWorld...probably a quite fitting one...here goes:

HOROSCOPE: Aquarius: Today is a 6. Get rid of your spare baggage, both literal and figurative. As you've already discovered, you'll need to travel light. That goes for the mental and physical baggage, too, of course.

BAGGAGE...that word really makes me sink. Yes, everyone has baggage and most don't like to admit it. Thing is...baggage seems to be the one thing we want to get rid of yet just can't bear to let go. Reading this today, I think about the past year or so...I have gotten rid of quite a bit of baggage, yet I'm sure that I have added more than I know. Digressing I have to point out that I have alleviated a boyfriend that was probably around way too long, had a terrible fight with a best friend that lasted nearly the entire summer, I have lost two very dear loved ones, changed jobs...how many times now, I'm pretty sure I lost count last April, I have also met a lot of new people (friends and boys) and watched most of them come and go already. Life is funny when it comes to things like that. I'm sure all of the above and many more have added to the current baggage I carry...mentally and physically. I remember going through this little phase back in Novemberish...where I just wanted to throw away everything...including all of my Tupperware. Not sure what that little stint was about, but I've noticed it really isn't over. I'll take something out of the dishwasher and toss it...thinking I don't need this...or walk into the spare bedroom and come out with five things I don't even know why I have. So, now, today, reading this horoscope I reflect on what I need to let go of...really let go of...mentally and physically.

THIS IS FOR REAL: The first indication that I am surrounding myself with the wrong people...not bad people, just people that don't really give a shit about me...or at least don't know how to show it...was opening the LJWorld and seeing the article..."NASCAR driver throws first pitch at the K" (or whatever it was titled). This man (young man) that I thought was a friend hasn't been so much since his last stop in Kansas...why? No f*n clue! All that I know is I don't need to surround myself with people that want to be part-time friends. Regardless of your career or anything else in your life, true friends are friends to the end...they are the friends you had when you were playing on dirt...the ones who will still be at your side when you have your name in lights...or, if you are forced to stop the chase and come back home. Now, that's the kind of friend that I want and the kind of friend I want to be. No folks, I'm not worried about my friendship with Chase. I'm just sayin' your friends shouldn't have to read about shit in the paper...they should already know. I know that there are a lot of variables that go into ones actions and I get that. Now, if one instance turns to pattern, then you have to question things.

WHAT ELSE: This leads to other people in my life. Other instances turning to patterns...Starting with Nathan...I love Nathan to death...our history is interesting...the story of how we met is priceless. We kinda talked for awhile...things didn't work out...we were not at all on the same page. After quite the argument and a little break, we became friends. Nate was an amazing friend...however, it was quickly obvious that the interest hadn't gone anywhere. Yet, today having Nate in my life I see a lot of patterns between us that were there in the beginning. That isn't ok for me. There was a reason I cut Nate out of my life from the start. First time shame on him...please, Nathan, let's not get to shame on me. Question is, to avoid getting there...do I need to make some sort of move? Is this baggage?

Nick...what do you want? That's all I really want to know. Talk about hot and cold, I've said this before...I don't get why this man keeps trying to come and go in my life...for what really??? I have a feeling that there is some baggage there from the first time around...but I also have a feeling for some reason, I don't want to let it go...strange! I don't understand.I could go on forever, but you get the drift...I have multiple male friends that could be the cause for some baggage...I guess technically mental baggage, but I'm not sure.

I have been told a couple of similar things lately from my friends...one said: Jen, do you really need any more guy friends. I know, I have a ton of them, but let's be real...I don't like girls...girls mean drama and I can't deal with that shit. Another said: I think you don't need any more guy friends, you need to date. Ok, fair enough, but why the hell is it that I meet guys...many with great potential for more...yet, I always end up with really great friends. Is that all bad? I don't know the answer. Probably not...but they sure do add to baggage that's already there...WAIT! Maybe that's the real problem.

REAL ISSUE: I think we are finally getting somewhere...maybe. Could the real issue here be the baggage left from my past? The baggage of my last serious relationship. I mean, think about it...that relationship aided in plenty of hurt and/or lost friendships, stress with my family, financial issues, major trust issues...I could probably go on forever. Thing is...I realize that I was in a bad situation and I am no longer in that situation. I don't have any desire to be in that situation again. There is virtually no contact with that person...and I am just fine with that. Let's see where we've gotten since that breakup...

• I have rekindled a few friendships, but unfortunately, the won't be what they were before. I have also made many others.
• I have also worked really hard to be a better part of my family. My family means the world to me and I need to be sure to never let anyone or anything get in the way of my time with them. So far, so good.
• My financial situation is great. I'm finally getting my savings account back and I don't need anyone to pay my bills (never did). My money is mine...no one will be touching that.
• Trust...trust is a whole different beast! Not only were there trust issues in my relationship, it seems there were some trust issues with some of my friendships as well. Bryant and I wouldn't have had nearly the trouble we did had there not been some trust issues there. I believe that if we had truly trusted each other, we would've talked through everything all at once, been on the same page and moved forward. Then there's Nick, the first guy I really really talked to after my break up...the first man I actually spent time with. I trusted him...looking back, probably too much. It was almost like I went from not being able to trust anyone to trusting someone too much. I have no f*n clue half the things he did while we were talking...and that's ok. I just know that I have to be able to find a balance here. When you get hurt over and over, trust is a hard thing to give.
  

BOTTOM LINE: I think the bottom line here is I have to surround myself with people who care about me as much if not more than I can care about them. I'm not sure who these people are in my life, but I'm trying to figure it out. I think having this philosophy is great for family, friends, and potential significant others. My weakness when it comes to dating is letting men get away with things I would never take from friends...that is a work in progress. If I just remember that those who care about me aren't afraid to show it...whether its a text to say what's up...a five minute visit from a friend who's in town just for a couple days...a post on my facebook or myspace page...a card just to say I'm thinkin' of you...anything, little things! I, just like anyone else, want to know that people care about me. Everything else will fall together in due time!

POINT: Wow...this really took a turn from where I started. Just to clarify...this post isn't about a man...havin' a man, wanting a man, getting a man...this post is about friendship...true friendship!!! Also, my spare room still needs some work...there is a lot of physical baggage that I need to get rid of...I'm working on that though...slowly but surely.

TRAVELING LIGHT: The horoscope also says something about knowing that I am going to have to travel light. I don't know what this means really. I do know that I am wanting to move this summer...not sure where I'm moving too...even if it's down the street, I think this move needs to be a fresh start for me. Along with that, I have been searching for a new job...a job I love...a job I'm passionate about. If that comes along, I need to be able to dive in without any other worries. I hope that something will come along where my friends are near...be it in motorsports in Charlotte where Chase is (and these people I used to know...the Bowyers...now I think the Hamburger Helper Hand knows Clint, better than I do, but still) or the NFL where my boys from college live...something in basketball even...development so Nashty and Nate might be around. Or, even, a change of ownership and a place back at Heartland Park wouldn't be so bad...you know dirt has a special place in my heart. Whatever, lies a head I am ready to tackle it...I just hope the people who are there with me then will be there with me now. The people who aren't here with me now...I can't allow to be there with me then. Think about it...what would Diddy do?

Blessings,
Jen

THE MEN IN MY LIFE...

I got to reflecting a little today about the men in my life. I find it very intriguing how different each one is. Now, I'm not talking about my Dad and my baby brother or my little nephews or any other family member. I'm talking about the rest of the guys in my life...the guys who have an impact they probably don't recognize and I'm sure an impact that no one truly understands but God!

There's...

• the one who will always be my best friend...we have a history and a relationship most don't understand. He has a place in my heart that no one can touch...and yes, I know he's in love.
• the one who lives states away...we have secrets we don't need to share & some days there's nothing but business talk there. This one is strange because rarely do our business and personal paths cross on the same day...this one is special, in it's own way.
• the one where ... can say so much and personal and business always touch. One of my best friends he will always be...the questions that could've been answered years ago, forever now will probably be.
• the one who's laugh lights up a room. He can turn your day from miles away. All my girls say he could be perfect for me...and wonder why we can't just get to it already.
• the one who's confused. I think boot camp would do. He's a Katy Perry song to a T...he's hot then he's cold...that shit got old! Now he pops up to say 'what's up'. Why won't he stay gone...some say I don't want this one to be done. I think I deserve more than that...I don't need that kind of crap.
• the one who's a blast from the past...still separated by the Gateway to the West. Two great weekends and curiosity, but distance there will always be.
• the one who's a great friend, yet he would like our talkin' days to start over again. For some reason this one has always been tough...things have always been pretty rough. The only way to make this one clear must be time and prayer!
• last but not least...the one that means a lot to me. For years he has been in and out of my life...but the timing always seems just right. He always knows just what to say and sometimes uses his waterdrop to spin my day. We have had talks of 'what ifs' and just friends...trust we have had our share of misunderstandings. Friends like this don't come along very often and you have to be sure to take them to your coffin!

Each of these men has impacted my life in their own way...and they still are today. I'm not sure how these relationships will fall together and apart. I don't know what they all mean and I don't think knowledge of the meaning is what I need. What I do know is this...for each of them I have been blessed!!!

If you can't figure out which guy is which hit my up and maybe I'll dish.

Apologies as this seemed to have turned rather poetic!

Normal......???

"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well" -Joe Ancis

This was the Quote of the Day when I logged on to check my blog this morning. It caught my eye because if you think about it...it is so true!!! Normal is the TV anchor woman who was born and raised in the town she is reporting in with 2 beautiful kids, married to the rival stations anchor man. I'm sure that as with each of us if you dig a little deeper, her world isn't so perfect, isn't so normal, any more than yours or mine.

I know that I could go through my facebook friends list and myspace too for that matter and tell you one thing that makes each of my friends not normal, but I'll save them from that. I guess that raises the question of what is normal. Is normal the perfect little life? Living the American Dream? OR is normal having your share of issues, yet being able to forget them and think about nothing but your dirt track friends the moment 'Chicken Fried' comes on the radio?

Regardless of your definition of normal, I think it is all relative. Your normal is probably not my normal and my normal surely isn't yours. Yet, when it comes down to it, nothing in life is perfect. If we all remember that perfection isn't normal, then in a sense we each are normal regardless of our abnormalities!

Daddy says:

So this weekend I went back to Topeka. As you all know there has been plenty of talk as to where I will be living when my lease is up in July.

If all of our dreams came true and money grew on trees I'd probably be packing up for a career in NASCAR country or heading to the west side of the Rockies to live the simple life.

As I digress back to reality I see that the more realistic options are:

• Stay here in Lawrence where I would be living 6 minutes from work and a minimum of 30 minutes from family and any in-state friends.
• Move to Eudora where the cost of living may be slightly less. I would have the small town atmosphere and a simple drive to Lawrence for work or KC for fun. Yet, my family would be a minimum 45 minutes or more away.
• Move to the KC Metro area and be near plenty of shopping and other things to do. A few 'friends'...yes I use the term loosely as I'm not sure how many close/true friends I have in the Metro anymore.

As I traveled to Topeka with this weighing heavy on my mind Sunday morning I am welcomed by my family who has seemingly been pondering as well. They have a morning slated of a drive to my Uncle Dale's condo as well as a ride through Hunter's Ridge to see what is available there. The condo is nice, but I'm not sold. Northrock looks great from the outside, yet I have heard it's not great when it comes down to it...a nice share of disturbances and vehicle break-ins.

Standing in the back yard watching the grill and nature later that afternoon, my father pulls up a chair and tells me to have a seat. I know this is the prelude to..."this is what I think you should do." Yet my parents have always tried to never tell us what to do...they just tend to attempt to guide us along. Dad tells me point blank..."I think it's high time you start making decisions for yourself...it seems like you've always made decisions based on other people and never for you. It's time you do something for yourself and only you...whatever that is. Just do something for you!!!" As I used my sunglasses to shield the tears forming at the corner of my eyes I knew my father was right. From the day I moved out of the house at the age of 18 I only remember one time making a decision for me and only me. That was when I decided that when Missy left for grad school and Cori went to Wichita I was going to live alone!!! Not with my pleading boyfriend, not back in with my parents...ALONE, just me! Other than that, I cannot remember another time in the 8 years since I left Topeka that I have made a semi-big/major decision on my own with no outside influences. Something just for me.

That said, I've done a lot of thinking...a lot of talking out loud to Walker as a sounding board and nothing else. I think it's high time for me to head home.

Mind you if the Hamburger Helper hand knocks some sense into Clint or Chase gets an amazing sponsorship and either of them makes my phone ring with a request for my presences in North Carolina I'm in the truck on the way to KCI before the phone call is over...guaranteed!!! However, I'm sure that will be the day all our dreams come true and we see money replacing leaves in the trees of our backyards.

For now, I look homeward bound.

Makin' Moves!

You know it's funny how you don't realize how many connections to your passion you truly have until you sit down with your address book and start sending out emails!!!

I love this feeling and needed the confidence booster!!!

Thank you to everyone for your help and support now and always!

Love you and and God Bless!

~Jen

More than just a song?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IDXz9E5efc

Check out the link to the above song and read on....

You know there are a lot of things in life that just make sense...yet there are so many more that just don't. However, when things get confusing and you run across a situation that has too many happenings that are too ironic to be coincidence you have to stop and take notice. A lot of what we do and how we act is completely subconscious...we don't even realize what we are doing or how we are communicating about situations. A lot of time we try to hide the truth from ourselves and each other...I know that I do it all the time. Yet, somehow, the truth always comes out. As Rob says...quoting the Good Book of course..."What happens in the dark always comes to the light." We can push thoughts and feelings away as much as we want...somehow, someway, sometime God is going to make us face whatever it is we are pushing away. It may not be in a timing that is good for us or good for the other people involved, but it will be the timing that we need. So as I listen to the lyrics of this song moments after a conversation that was long over due I have to wonder if it is related...if the lyrics have deeper meaning to a situation than just a great jam that is fun to listen to. When it was posted, it could have simply been a great song...but if you listen to the words...it's uncanny that this is the awesome song that was posted moments after a discussion that in your words is complicated. In my world it doesn't have to be complicated. It wasn't working for either of us the way it was going...so...it just needs to go back to square one...in this instance, square one is friendship...something that was skipped the first time around. I am a firm believer in the fact that good friends are hard to come by and if you get the chance to spend time with someone that you like and enjoy you should. Nick- in this situation, one of a few things are going to happen. 1-We are going to kick it and it is going to be awkward...one of us will speak up and recognize that and adjust from there...2-Feelings are going to get involved be it from you or from me or from both and we will have to adjust from there...or...3-It won't be awkward and there will be no feelings involved to make the situation complicated and we will end up with a great friendship. There is no way in this world that we can predict which of these we are going to face. Whichever it is, it's exactly what we need when we need it and we will deal with it accordingly. In your saying that it is just complicated...if there's more to it than this, I'm missing something...and whatever that may be...it'll come to the light...and that's ok.

For now, I keep praying that whatever we are each going through individually and together we will get through it in a way that is best for each of us...and as we move forward with our friendship I pray that it will all fall together just the way it is supposed to with no awkwardness and no tension.

Now, all we can do is hangout and see what happens from there. :) Simple as that...right? I think so.

Thank you to Nate Harris for pushing me to do what is best for me. I will never forget you saying to me: "Clear your mind and listen to your heart...that's like God talkin' to you right there." Well, Nathan, I'm trying on a daily basis, sometimes it's not easy to hear your heart through your mind...but, I suggest that everyone give it a shot...you may just find exactly what you are looking for.

Ketchup

So as you have noticed...I have been slightly negligent of the blog these days. There is a good reason for that!!!

Yes...that is my finger...the pointer finger on my right hand to be exact...and no that's not sharpie scribbles! What you are looking at are my first four stitches from my first ever visit to the ER. Mark it down folks...Feb. 17th, 2009, 26 year old Jennifer Brown makes her first trip to the ER. Although you all may say that's nothing, for me it was quite the night. After pushing a paper plate into the trash can and having the lid from a can of black beans come through the plate and my finger I had to drive myself to the ER. Thanks to Gregg and Dawn for keeping me calm through the drive as Nick didn't answer (stupid workout!). The gentleman at the ER was a very Dr. McDreamy x 10 kinda guy, but that didn't cover the fact he was about to load my finger with needles! Thank God Mom and Dad arrived in Lawrence in their first trip to Lawrence Memorial Hospital just in time to watch me scream my way through the numbing process. I kid you not while my face was buried in my Mom's side I'm pretty sure every word in the DICTIONARY of WASH YOUR MOUTH WITH SOAP came out of my mouth along with the revelation that maybe adoption is a safer path for me...or rather the man who gets me knocked up and has to handle the child birthing process because I'm positive I couldn't take an epidural...and frankly, I'm not sure I could handle a slight contraction after feeling the pain caused by that little injury to my finger. I'm sure you are rolling laughing that this point, but it wasn't f*n funny! The numbing juice being shot into my finger felt like someone turned a firehouse on inside of my pointer. NOT COOL!

Although, I am still typing with nine fingers, I couldn't wait any longer to tell you all about it. As my parents pointed out, it was a good thing Nick was at the gym because had he been there to live that with me, he'd probably never talk to me again. This I'm sure is true as he called just after the initial needle episode and called me a choice alternative to cat for being in tears. Don't get me wrong this man was super supportive and caring throughout the night with multiple phone calls. So, still today for the support he has provided and the fact that he wasn't there to witness such a traumatic event in person...I THANK GOD!!!

Yes, I know some of you are more puzzled now than ever...I did say Nick, yes the Nick that had me flustered to the point of no return just a few weeks ago. Trust me, if you don't know the skinny already, that's a story for a different day. Just know this...I'M HAPPY!!! :)

Another story for another day! I chopped my hair off...I need to take photos and get that story up as well...it sure is a doozy!

Until next time...Goodnight and I love you all!

Valentine's Day

Whether you think that Valentine's Day is a great day to show how much you care about that special someone or a commercialized holiday for the sole benefit of greeting card companies...NEWSFLASH...it's still important to the ladies! However, I am pondering the significance. It's seems kind of like every other holiday or birthday. You want to hear from those who care about you...especially that special someone if there is one. As your phone goes off over and over throughout the day you begin to notice who cares and who's thinking about you and who perceivably just isn't. Yes fella's no matter how good your thoughts or intentions, your actions lead us to perceptions. Someone once told me...perception becomes reality. I actually believe this is quite possibly very true. That said gentlemen...be sure that your thoughts, intentions, actions, and the perceptions that go along with them are in line with that special lady's needs, wants, thoughts, etc. AND HELLO, IT MAY ACTUALLY TAKE SOME COMMUNICATION TO FIGURE THIS OUT!

We've all heard of the new movie He's Just Not That Into You...but what you probably don't realize is that every woman in America has already read the book. Yes that means that we've been told that there is always time in that crazy, busy, impossible schedule for you to pick up the phone if you really want to...damn, most of us would even take a text for starters. Just remember if you ARE that into her...SHOW HER...because I guarantee if you aren't someone else is...and you can only push a woman so far before she turns around and walks away on her own.

Now that I'm through with that cliche loaded bit...
Good luck to all you fellas out there...and more importantly hang in there ladies!

Goodnight and I love you all!!!
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

People

We all know that people come into our lives for a reason. Some come into our lives momentarily and others stay forever. Human nature sometimes leads us to wish that certain people would come into our lives and some do, yet some never will. The part that we need to embrace is that God brings us the people that we need, not the people that we want. Although sometimes we try to push these people back out of our lives too soon (Nate) or we hang on to them too long (Jericho) we have to realize that everyone crosses our path for a reason and they will be there as long as it takes to complish the mission God has sent them on. There are even some that come in and out over and over (Bryant) to accomplish this. Another thing that is only natural to us is to try to figure out the reason certain people our in our lives or why certain people were taken out before we were ready. We could spend forever doing this, when really all we need to do is take each day one day at a time and embrace the people around us at any given moment.

Sure I wonder why some of the people I have known have gone again...some I'm not sure why they are still here now. Others, I'm sure will pop back into my world at some point...when they do, I guess it is my duty to greet them with open arms and know that they are here for a reason and although I may never know what that is I need them to be here.

So, take a moment to reflect on the individuals that have crossed your path in this life and remember who's lives you may have touched. Know that although some have made you cry, some have hurt you, and others have made you smile or brought you some of the moments you will never forget, each one carried a purpose in your life and you in theirs.

To everyone who has touched my life: Thank you. I know the chore hasn't always been an easy one to carry through, but you have succeeded. Those of you who are still here...well, it seems our work is not yet done. Hopefully most of you are here or have been here because you wanted to be, not just because I needed you. When I say my prayers each night, please know I will thank God for you and for the lessons learned and those still to come. I love you all in your own special way.

Goodnight!

There's no place like home.

You know how sometimes you just need to go home. You can't explain to people why...but you just have to get in the car and go. It is amazing because when you surround yourself with people that you love and that you know love you, even for just a couple hours, you just feel better. You could have a million things going on in your life and not want to talk about one but just being with those people makes everything else just go away for that time period.

Last night I went home for a couple hours, had dinner with the fam, watched a little American Idol, and came home with a nice care package of groceries! In that short amount of time I got a much needed escape from life. I forgot how much those little visits can really mean. I am so blessed to have my family close enough to hop in the car on a whim and head home for the evening.

It's my birthday!!!

Today is my birthday and I think it is a good day to recognize the things that I need to focus on as I move forward. As a good friend told me...I should look at today like my own personal New Year's!

One of the biggest things I need to work on is over-thinking and worrying too much. I have never been good at avoiding this. For some reason my brain just gets to working double-time and I get consumed. Another thing that seems to go hand-in-hand with this to some extent is my patience. Although I have had my moments with this one where I have been doing great lately...there have still been moments when I haven't. I am not known for being the most patient person in the world...in fact I'm pretty well known for being just the opposite. Next is the whole living in the moment thing...as in putting down the BlackBerry and being in the present moment with the people I am surrounded by rather than in a world consumed by that damn phone and those of you that live inside of it. This will be a tough one, but I think I can make some progress and know that everyone around me will be grateful. So with those taking priority others include, spending more time with my family, working on my finances...including leaving that credit card locked up, working out on a regular basis as well as many other things to better my health and appearance, re-thinking what I want out of a career and how to get it, always keep my faith, and most importantly to be Jen and do any and everything the Jen way!

So as we consider this day one...I say so far so good!

Thank you to each and every one of you that made this a wonderful birthday! This whole weekend and today have been absolutely amazing! THANK YOU!

Goodnight and I love you all!

MY MIND IS MY WORST ENEMY

I was told today that my mind is my worst enemy. I couldn't agree more. I am the worst over-thinker ever. I am always over-thinking and over-analyzing everything!!! It's who I am. I wish that I could just switch it off, believe me, but I haven' t found the switch just yet.

The next piece of advice I was given was, "Start seeing WHAT YOU KNOW not WHAT YOU THINK!". If that doesn't put things in perspective.

Since I have also been so indecisive when it comes to what is really on my mind and what I should share with you I think I will take the information above and touch on all 5 topics I was throwing around last night.

1) Nick and the fact that he showed up Tuesday and totally redeemed himself from the weekend!

I know that I have managed to complain a few times or be impatient and slightly confused...and I've definitely over-thought when it comes to this man...but, really all the over-thinking aside...Nick is amazing and I am really glad that we are getting to know each other. He is a great guy and although sometimes his laid-back attitude drives me crazy he is pretty darn amazing. He has taught me a lot already about myself, what I'm ready for, what I'm not, what I've been through, what I want to avoid...patience even (to an extent). Although many people would think the situation is weird or doesn't make sense it seems to be working and I'm just fine with going with the flow so that everyone is happy and comfortable. NOW, CONVINCING MY MIND OF THE THINGS I JUST TOLD YOU THAT I KNOW....THAT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT BATTLE! ;-)

2) Racing: Bowyer's in a new ride and Chase got a truck deal!

We all know that Clint is good...no one has ever questioned that. He had a very successful 2008 season and I'm sure that 2009 will be no different. Fact or fiction: I did receive an email saying that his diva ways didn't make Old Man Jack very happy thus he's back to snackin' on Cheerios! Not sure how true this is...but I know first hand Mr. Bowyer can be quite the diva!

Chase on the other hand...Chase is a very confident young man who has had his confidence tested more than once since he left the dirt he loved for NC. Chase has never given up and the love and support of his family have stayed as strong as ever and it looks like this could be paying off. Chase will be in a truck this year trying to prove himself to all of NASCAR that he's got the foot to run with the big boys!

I have full confidence that these two will be able to show their Kansas born talent off in 2009...I just hope that Chase doesn't follow in Clint's footsteps when it comes to his memory of where he's from and who has helped him get there.

The only reason this topic makes me over think is simple...where they are vs. where I am and where I want to be...see 4!

3) The fact that my bff in TX just pops up to remind me that he still doesn't think I know what I want and won't believe that I do until I'm walking down the aisle...oh and just a side note he wanted to check on my self-confidence and see if it was back to the level it was in college!

Well Mr. Nash...for the record I think this goes deeper than a "hey how ya doin'?"...but we won't go there this time! What I know is that I may not know exactly what I do want, but I know enough to figure out what I'm ok with and what I'm not. I also know that my confidence is doing just fine. I'm getting attention from a great man...and there are others that would be happy to be giving me the same attention. I am still the independent and confident Jen you knew back on the Hill, I'm just a little more grown up now. Yes this year has been hell for me and our friendship, but I'm good. I have learned a lot...about both myself and you...and I guess that means I've learned a little something about our friendship too.

Yes B I still over-think on this one too...I over-think about college, I over-think about not going to TX or Germany last fall, I over-think this summer, and I over-think all the time in-between...but you know I'm good with it. It all is what it is and who knows from there. I have learned to take you at face value when you come around and to let it lie when you don't.

Whether you have faith in me or not, I have faith in myself...I am confident that although I don't know exactly what I want...the way you mean it as well as in every other aspect of my life, I know that I will figure it out as it comes. Someday, in a church, somewhere, I will look you eye to eye (even if I have to stand on a chair) and watch you tell me that your faith in me has been restored. I can't wait...but hopefully it doesn't take that long for you to get back there again!

4) My career...where it is, where I want it to be, what to do about it.

This is one that has my mind a lot. I am not sold that I even know where I want to be or what I want to do about where I am now or where I am going, but I can give you what I know. I know that I don't want to be where I am right now for the rest of my life. I know that talking to Chase last night, watching the NASCAR news, and talking to Dusty and Walker on a regular basis that I miss Motorsports more than I can explain to you. Also, it is basketball season and I do work on the campus of the University of Kansas...that and talking to B.Nashty, Step, TStubbs, and all the rest on a regular basis I remember back to our college days and how much I love working with student-athletes and how much I enjoy college sports altogether.

I know when push comes to shove my heart is at the track...I'm just not sure how to get there again.

I will continue to over-think and pray about this one for some time to come...but I have faith that someday I will be right where I want to be.

5) It's my birthday Monday!!!

I don't think you can ever be too old for birthdays! I am very excited to go out to eat and to the bars with some friends on Saturday night. I really hope that Nick, Mike, Strick, and Danielle will meet up with us when the Slipknot concert is over. Hopefully it will be a good time.

I am also looking forward to the family dinner...it is always the one constant when you think about birthdays!

As for Monday...the big day...I have no idea what I'm going to do! :-( I'll figure it out I'm sure.

Anyway...I'm trying not to think about this one too much just go with the flow I know regardless of who I'm spending my time with it will be a great birthday!

OK, Well enough chatter for now. I will try to ward off my worst enemy and see what I know not what I think. We all know this isn't going to be easy for me, but my life really is pretty special right now.

Love you all!

Decisions Decisions - Viewer's Choice!

So I have been wanting to blog all week, but just can't decide what to blog about. I have lots of crazy thoughts, but nothing solid enough for a blog entry. Thus, I have decided to list my thoughts and hopefully it will spark some more ideas or you all can throw in your opinions and get me writing again!

1)Nick and the fact that he showed up Tuesday and totally redeemed himself from the weekend!
2)Racing: Bowyer's in a new ride and Chase got a truck deal!
3)The fact that my bff in TX just pops up to remind me that he still doesn't think I know what I want and won't believe that I do until I'm walking down the aisle...oh and just a side note he wanted to check on myself confidence and see if it was back to the level it was in college!
4)My career...where it is, where I want it to be, what to do about it.
5)Its my Birthday Monday!!!

Let me know what you think...maybe I'll decide tomorrow!

Goodnight and I love you!

Cry Baby

Can you believe it...I am sitting here in tears over something a boy did...after I told myself that I wouldn't cry over him. My feelings are hurt. Granted the initial hurt could be chalked up to my sensitivity and not giving him the benefit of the doubt, but now I'm just pissed off.

Things happen in my daily life that I want to talk about. I don't need to talk every day or anything, but when I feel the need to talk or need a little support, the last thing I want is to not be able to get ahold of someone. When I can't get ahold of the person and they don't call me back, my frustration just builds. I try to make every excuse I can for people...but sometimes I just can't do it anymore. At some point no matter how patient I try to be Jen comes out. Late into the evening on day three and two unreturned phone calls later a "Whats you up to" just doesn't do it for me. A request for call and another evening without it leaves me spitting flames by the time I wake up. A conversation to clear it up and plans for the evening pacify me for the time being, but then when you can't even come through on your plans. Now what do you want me to think? How do you expect me to feel? I'm not mad...no I think it is deeper than that. I'm hurt. I feel like my feelings, my time, well just me isn't important to you. I feel like this is truly a relationship of convenience for you and that what I think, feel, or want doesn't matter. If that is the case we need to get that handled...

For those of you that know me, you know that I am not one to keep my mouth shut and I'm not one to just go with the flow if I don't like where the flow is going. I have tried so hard to be more patient and to not get frustrated, to not punish other people for my past. With this one I have not only tried to be patient and laid back, I have even relinquished control. All along though I have told myself to hold back, to not get in too deep...and here I am crying about a boy that I promised myself I wouldn't let get to me like that. I guess on the positive side I think we just got our first fight out of the way...no it's not over...there are still things that need to be discussed and there is still tension that needs to be eased, but it no longer needs to be a fight...I feel like we can now just talk about it and move on.

I am an emotional girl and I always will be. I will not be taken advantage of, used, or misled in any manner. My fear is that I am being somewhat taken advantage of...and that's not ok.

Someone who I am sure would rather be the one having this fight with me than talking to me about it told me this morning that I need to realize how many steps forward this relationship has made and take at least that many back and think about Jen for a minute. Well Nate, as easy as that sounds, you and I both know that it is not. That said, I think that may be just what I need to do. I am frustrated and this isn't going my way...in the words of a best friend...this just isn't working for me. What will make it work...or will it? Do I want it to? These are questions I have to answer on my own. I'm not sure I know all the answers, but I'm pretty sure God's heard just about enough of the questions.

Don't get me wrong...Nick is amazing. I really like him and enjoy spending time with him. There are just some things that I can't handle anymore...some things that I just can't be that passive about...it just isn't me. I don't want any of you to think that he is a major jerkwad or that he did anything super wrong. He is still a great guy that makes me smile most of the time. The problem is me. The problem is I tried to be someone else when it came to my patience and what I let get on my nerves and what I didn't. Now, he just needs a little dose of Jen and we'll all be ok.

Thanks to all of my nearest and dearest friends for listening to me about this the past 24 hours. Hopefully I've got it all out of my system for the time being.

Goodnight and I love you all!

*Oh and a side note...please stop eating peanut butter for me...just until the FDA has this whole mess all figured out. I can't handle another crisis.*

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Back in high school there was once a yearbook title of "Where Everybody Knows Your Name". At the time everyone thought it was the best fit for the attendees at Seaman High School. Thing is, it was just that, a place where everybody knew your name, yet they didn't know much more than that. The best quote to explain how I felt in high school comes from Jay-Z, "You only know what you see, you don't understand what it takes to be me." Again, oh so true. Although back in high school we knew everyones name, for the most part no one really KNEW each other. There are exceptions of course. I still have Nancy as one of my best friends...since second grade. Other than Nancy though, there just aren't too many people from high school that I still keep in touch with. Of course I see a few at the race track now and then and in college I would run into JP and a couple others on campus occasionally, but I can't say that I know them.

The other day I read a blog from one of my former classmates. I must say that I know we have all changed in the past 5-10 years, but I learned more in the 5 minutes I took to read that blog than I recall ever knowing through all of our years in school together. Now, that's sad. High school is what it is and there is a lot of drama. Looking back I wish that I had taken the time to get to know more people...or rather, that they had taken the time to get to know me. I am so pleased to be reconnecting with some of these old classmates now that we are out in the real world. Some were friends then and will never be more than aquantances now...and some were never more than aquantances then and will be friends moving forward. Either way, I will never forget the years spent in a place where everybody knew your name...yet I am so grateful for that time to be in my past and am so blessed with who I have become.

Get with the program...part II ?

Ok, Sfar here you go. As promised my more lengthy response to your latest blog. Before I start, can I just say thank goodness for a double monitor so I can read along as I go. :)

Well lady, you're right...the best thing to do is "get off your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself." and it is true that "Life's a bitch and this isn't front page news." However, it is so much easier to think that or tell a friend than to actually force yourself to do.

That said...I know that you are crushed that this opportunity didn't come to be reality...however, I wouldn't take it as complete rejection. This was something that you had been wokring on for a very long time and nothing you did has brought the economy to where it is today. Although, you shouldn't have put all your eggs in one basket it is so easy to do. When we want something so badly you can't help but to put all of your effort into it. Now that we are back to the drawing board, we just have to make sure that you stay focused on the dream and don't get held up with a stepping-stone to achieving that dream. As we look to the future there are multiple stepping-stones we will have to cross to reach our dreams and goals. Each step we take we will more than likely have multiple stones to choose from...we have to be sure that we don't try to land on one stone without closely looking at each of them. Ok...so that was totally dumb and cheesy, but you get my point. If you put all your effort into trying to get one opportunity, you may let something even better pass you by in the long run.

So, you've gotta have some faith, pull yourself together and get on to plan B...because I'm sure that Obama won't be sharing the wealth anytime soon! You are right, you can't have faith in anyone else...but if you have faith in yourself you'll get that dream...it just may not be by taking the path you set out on to begin with.

Let's look at your Dad's philosophy for a second..."face reality." Makes sense...have you done that yet? Reality is, you aren't going to be an intern at Sprint right now, you are still in Topeka re-learning lives most precious lessons from annoying kids day in and day out...but, it is also reality that your dream hasn't changed and that you can still get there. You can still get to Charlotte and you can still work in PR in some form related to NASCAR. The thing is, you just have to re-think how to get there.

I have faith in you Sfar, do you have it in yourself?

Now, for the most simple question...I'm not sure how you answered this, but I will answer it for myself:

If I don't see tomorrow would I be happy with the way I have lived my life?

Well, there are alwyas things we wish that we would have done a little differently or that we wish would have turned out a different way. But, I would say that in 2008 my life has come full circle. I have learned so much about myself as I have been faced with so many obstacles. Someday I would still like the chance to head to Charlotte with you or walk into an office at Allen Fieldhouse everyday...but more importantly I want to be there for my family and be just a phone call, a car ride, or a flight away. I have learned that you have to dream big and work for those dreams, but you have to remember that some times the most important things and just what you're looking for may be right in front of your face. Think about it. I started 2008 in a position in motorsports...I had an opportunity to go to Memphis and I let it go...good thing, because my family needed me more than ever this year...and truth be told, I needed them too. Now, with a lot of frustration and hundreds of resumes out the door I am so blessed to drive on to the campus of the University of Kansas everyday where I get to come to work representing the very thing that has driven me since I was a little girl. I have been a Jayhawk for as long as I can remember, I wanted nothing more than to attend the University of Kansas and walk down the Hill through the Campanile and into Memorial Stadium. I did just that, I have the piece of paper and student loan to prove it. Although I am not working with Athletes on a daily basis, I am still here a part of the tradition. It's a stepping-stone Sarah...one that may lead me down the hill to Naismith Drive and the most beautiful building in the country (Allen Fieldhouse) or one that could lead me back to Kansas City, to a dirt track between here and the east coast, or maybe even Charlotte, NC. Wherever this path may lead, I am thankful for the ride, and blessed with the lessons and experience...and yes, if I don't see tomorrow I would be happy with the way I have lived my life.

I love each and every one of you that has been a part of this journey called life...you are my family, my friends, my mentors...you have had a hand in who I have become and who I am still to be...thank you!

Bowyer news...can we say interesting...

Every week I try to log on to cjonline to check out the celebrations. I like to see who is getting engaged and who has gotten married. It's always interesting to see people you know, but today I saw one that really shocked me.

Greeson - Bowyer

Casey Bowyer was dating Brook Greeson years ago when I was writing for Champion Direct...how long has that been now...over 5 years. I am shocked that they are finally getting married. Not to say I've kept tabs, because I haven't. I guess my surprise is that it has take so long for Casey to put a ring on her finger. Good news is she was around before big brother made it to the big time...

Seeing this makes me reflect on the Bowyer family name and what it generally reflects. My definition to that name would be all across the bored...from arrogant to talented. I hope that as Brook becomes a Bowyer she will still remember where she came from, because Lord knows the majority of the Bowyer glan has forgotten...except of course when it is the right think to say to the media.

Don't get me wrong, I am a Bowyer fan...have been since the days of the Factory Stock at the short track. Back in the days when Clint was simply The Kid. I am excited to see him succeed and saddened to see him act like he has forgotten where he came from and the people who helped to get him there. I remember watching Clint when we were all young and thinking he was such an ass and then I got to know him and his family and began to see that Clint was a great guy with a great family, but then Clint got a Sunday job and it seems like when he comes home he is that same PFP he was in high school. I know that when people tell me Clint is really just a cocky little jerk I'm the first to say...he's not so bad, you just gotta get to know him...and that's a true statement, but does anyone that knew Clint on dirt really know Clint now?

With that I wish the best to Casey and Brook and their future together as well as to Clint Bowyer Racing for the 2009 Season.

Goodnight and I love you all!

Overload

Ok, so as usual, my mind has been on overload the past 36 hours or so. Not that I want to get into why or what's up right now though.

I do want to stay that I am ecstatic that my Mom came to see me today! I know that she spends every waking moment taking care of or cleaning up after someone, but I really just wanted her to be here. My project for the day...cleaning up the spare room! I knew that this was a project that I needed to tackle on my own, however, I wanted my Mom to be here. She came up and sat with me as I got the room back to a room. I swear it looked like a tornado has went through. I'm super excited that it looks and feels like a functional room. For awhile there I had been leaving the door shut because I didn't want anyone to see how bad it was. Now, I can't wait for Nick to come by or the girls to come up for the weekend and see the transformation.

Well, there's another thing Nick. Nick and I had an interesting weekend. I will say that there were moments of confusion, but by the time I went to sleep on Saturday night I think we were on the same page. I'm sure you are all dying to know what happened or why all the confusion. However, for now I would rather not say. I know that I have been pretty open with all of you lately and want to do so always, but there are somethings that need to be between the people involved. Nothing from this weekend was a bad thing at all...and I am very glad that we are able to communicate with each other to ensure that we are on the same page. I hope that we can remain open and honest with each other as we see where things go. As we both have reservations to getting into another relationship after the ones from our past I think that it is essential that we take our time and go with the flow as much as possible. I really like Nick and I know that he likes me...regardless of pace or titles or anything else, what will be will be and I truly believe that is out of our control, so for now, we will go with the flow and move at a pace that is comfortable for both of us. If this works then it works, if it doesn't then it doesn't.

So, as my extended weekend comes to a close I am sad that I didn't get to spend more time with my family, ecstatic that my apartment is coming together, and comfortable with where things stand with Nick.

And I think that's all you need to know for now...
...so Goodnight and I love you all!

Low BS tolerance is getting lower

It's funny how when you meet someone new that you really like, you try to give them the benefit of the doubt just a little more than you normally would. Well, I must say this boy has gotten the benefit of the doubt a lot more than I normally would give it. I'm not sure why. However, I am sure that it's not going to last much longer. You all know how I am, I hit that wall...the one where I say to myself, this is BS I'm not dealing with it any more. I'm sure that's probably why I am single now and have put up with $hitheads most of my adult life. The thing is, I am also fully aware that if I don't begin to work on my patience, that I will probably run off, or run away from rather, some really great guys.

I am trying to go with the flow when it comes to Nick...I am trying to stay patient and just enjoy what I'm living...but here's the deal:

~I will not sit at home and wait...unless you are very specific about when I can expect to see you.
~I will not call and text you all the time...this needs to be even, I'm not a chaser here...don't need to be!
~I will not fight for you or with you. There are many other people that would be happy to give me undivided attention...I will not compete for yours AND I will not fight with you unless it is a fight that needs to be had...so little attitudes will get on my nerves quick! I've had too many fights over nothing and I won't do that again.
~Being vague or avoiding a conversation will only send me back to what I know from my past...I hate to be always questioning everything...so just speak up.
~Honesty is always best...no matter what!
~Communication is key...like what's going on in your life communication, not just what's up, did you see the game, etc.
~Patience is power...but sometimes I just don't have any!
~Time with your boys for you and my girls for me is essential, but time together is also very important.
~I am not a puppet, so don't think you can string me along until I fit into your schedule...it just doesn't work that way.
~Neither one of us is really that busy...if we want to make time for each other we will...just like that...so I will never be too busy to pick up the phone or catch a movie and I will never believe that you are too busy so don't try that excuse.

I'm sure there are a million more things I could add to this list. Don't get me wrong, Nick is a great guy and he isn't doing anything wrong. I just have a very low BS tolerance and when I start to recognize this then things that I have been blowing off start to get noticed. The list above just includes some of the points that I have to remind myself so I don't fall back into old patterns of old relationships that just don't work. After my last breakup I vowed to myself that I would re-evaluate my standards and not settle for anything less than what I deserve. It is easy to forget this and fall into whatever gets comfortable.

I like Nick a lot and so far things seem to be going well, but today I felt like I needed to reflect a minute on a few of the things that are important for me to remember as our relationship (or whatever the hell you want to call it) continues to grow.

For now, I am living in the moment and loving every minute of it...and I plan to continue to do just that!

Love you all!
~Jen :-)