MY MIND IS MY WORST ENEMY

I was told today that my mind is my worst enemy. I couldn't agree more. I am the worst over-thinker ever. I am always over-thinking and over-analyzing everything!!! It's who I am. I wish that I could just switch it off, believe me, but I haven' t found the switch just yet.

The next piece of advice I was given was, "Start seeing WHAT YOU KNOW not WHAT YOU THINK!". If that doesn't put things in perspective.

Since I have also been so indecisive when it comes to what is really on my mind and what I should share with you I think I will take the information above and touch on all 5 topics I was throwing around last night.

1) Nick and the fact that he showed up Tuesday and totally redeemed himself from the weekend!

I know that I have managed to complain a few times or be impatient and slightly confused...and I've definitely over-thought when it comes to this man...but, really all the over-thinking aside...Nick is amazing and I am really glad that we are getting to know each other. He is a great guy and although sometimes his laid-back attitude drives me crazy he is pretty darn amazing. He has taught me a lot already about myself, what I'm ready for, what I'm not, what I've been through, what I want to avoid...patience even (to an extent). Although many people would think the situation is weird or doesn't make sense it seems to be working and I'm just fine with going with the flow so that everyone is happy and comfortable. NOW, CONVINCING MY MIND OF THE THINGS I JUST TOLD YOU THAT I KNOW....THAT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT BATTLE! ;-)

2) Racing: Bowyer's in a new ride and Chase got a truck deal!

We all know that Clint is good...no one has ever questioned that. He had a very successful 2008 season and I'm sure that 2009 will be no different. Fact or fiction: I did receive an email saying that his diva ways didn't make Old Man Jack very happy thus he's back to snackin' on Cheerios! Not sure how true this is...but I know first hand Mr. Bowyer can be quite the diva!

Chase on the other hand...Chase is a very confident young man who has had his confidence tested more than once since he left the dirt he loved for NC. Chase has never given up and the love and support of his family have stayed as strong as ever and it looks like this could be paying off. Chase will be in a truck this year trying to prove himself to all of NASCAR that he's got the foot to run with the big boys!

I have full confidence that these two will be able to show their Kansas born talent off in 2009...I just hope that Chase doesn't follow in Clint's footsteps when it comes to his memory of where he's from and who has helped him get there.

The only reason this topic makes me over think is simple...where they are vs. where I am and where I want to be...see 4!

3) The fact that my bff in TX just pops up to remind me that he still doesn't think I know what I want and won't believe that I do until I'm walking down the aisle...oh and just a side note he wanted to check on my self-confidence and see if it was back to the level it was in college!

Well Mr. Nash...for the record I think this goes deeper than a "hey how ya doin'?"...but we won't go there this time! What I know is that I may not know exactly what I do want, but I know enough to figure out what I'm ok with and what I'm not. I also know that my confidence is doing just fine. I'm getting attention from a great man...and there are others that would be happy to be giving me the same attention. I am still the independent and confident Jen you knew back on the Hill, I'm just a little more grown up now. Yes this year has been hell for me and our friendship, but I'm good. I have learned a lot...about both myself and you...and I guess that means I've learned a little something about our friendship too.

Yes B I still over-think on this one too...I over-think about college, I over-think about not going to TX or Germany last fall, I over-think this summer, and I over-think all the time in-between...but you know I'm good with it. It all is what it is and who knows from there. I have learned to take you at face value when you come around and to let it lie when you don't.

Whether you have faith in me or not, I have faith in myself...I am confident that although I don't know exactly what I want...the way you mean it as well as in every other aspect of my life, I know that I will figure it out as it comes. Someday, in a church, somewhere, I will look you eye to eye (even if I have to stand on a chair) and watch you tell me that your faith in me has been restored. I can't wait...but hopefully it doesn't take that long for you to get back there again!

4) My career...where it is, where I want it to be, what to do about it.

This is one that has my mind a lot. I am not sold that I even know where I want to be or what I want to do about where I am now or where I am going, but I can give you what I know. I know that I don't want to be where I am right now for the rest of my life. I know that talking to Chase last night, watching the NASCAR news, and talking to Dusty and Walker on a regular basis that I miss Motorsports more than I can explain to you. Also, it is basketball season and I do work on the campus of the University of Kansas...that and talking to B.Nashty, Step, TStubbs, and all the rest on a regular basis I remember back to our college days and how much I love working with student-athletes and how much I enjoy college sports altogether.

I know when push comes to shove my heart is at the track...I'm just not sure how to get there again.

I will continue to over-think and pray about this one for some time to come...but I have faith that someday I will be right where I want to be.

5) It's my birthday Monday!!!

I don't think you can ever be too old for birthdays! I am very excited to go out to eat and to the bars with some friends on Saturday night. I really hope that Nick, Mike, Strick, and Danielle will meet up with us when the Slipknot concert is over. Hopefully it will be a good time.

I am also looking forward to the family dinner...it is always the one constant when you think about birthdays!

As for Monday...the big day...I have no idea what I'm going to do! :-( I'll figure it out I'm sure.

Anyway...I'm trying not to think about this one too much just go with the flow I know regardless of who I'm spending my time with it will be a great birthday!

OK, Well enough chatter for now. I will try to ward off my worst enemy and see what I know not what I think. We all know this isn't going to be easy for me, but my life really is pretty special right now.

Love you all!