People

We all know that people come into our lives for a reason. Some come into our lives momentarily and others stay forever. Human nature sometimes leads us to wish that certain people would come into our lives and some do, yet some never will. The part that we need to embrace is that God brings us the people that we need, not the people that we want. Although sometimes we try to push these people back out of our lives too soon (Nate) or we hang on to them too long (Jericho) we have to realize that everyone crosses our path for a reason and they will be there as long as it takes to complish the mission God has sent them on. There are even some that come in and out over and over (Bryant) to accomplish this. Another thing that is only natural to us is to try to figure out the reason certain people our in our lives or why certain people were taken out before we were ready. We could spend forever doing this, when really all we need to do is take each day one day at a time and embrace the people around us at any given moment.

Sure I wonder why some of the people I have known have gone again...some I'm not sure why they are still here now. Others, I'm sure will pop back into my world at some point...when they do, I guess it is my duty to greet them with open arms and know that they are here for a reason and although I may never know what that is I need them to be here.

So, take a moment to reflect on the individuals that have crossed your path in this life and remember who's lives you may have touched. Know that although some have made you cry, some have hurt you, and others have made you smile or brought you some of the moments you will never forget, each one carried a purpose in your life and you in theirs.

To everyone who has touched my life: Thank you. I know the chore hasn't always been an easy one to carry through, but you have succeeded. Those of you who are still here...well, it seems our work is not yet done. Hopefully most of you are here or have been here because you wanted to be, not just because I needed you. When I say my prayers each night, please know I will thank God for you and for the lessons learned and those still to come. I love you all in your own special way.

Goodnight!

There's no place like home.

You know how sometimes you just need to go home. You can't explain to people why...but you just have to get in the car and go. It is amazing because when you surround yourself with people that you love and that you know love you, even for just a couple hours, you just feel better. You could have a million things going on in your life and not want to talk about one but just being with those people makes everything else just go away for that time period.

Last night I went home for a couple hours, had dinner with the fam, watched a little American Idol, and came home with a nice care package of groceries! In that short amount of time I got a much needed escape from life. I forgot how much those little visits can really mean. I am so blessed to have my family close enough to hop in the car on a whim and head home for the evening.

It's my birthday!!!

Today is my birthday and I think it is a good day to recognize the things that I need to focus on as I move forward. As a good friend told me...I should look at today like my own personal New Year's!

One of the biggest things I need to work on is over-thinking and worrying too much. I have never been good at avoiding this. For some reason my brain just gets to working double-time and I get consumed. Another thing that seems to go hand-in-hand with this to some extent is my patience. Although I have had my moments with this one where I have been doing great lately...there have still been moments when I haven't. I am not known for being the most patient person in the world...in fact I'm pretty well known for being just the opposite. Next is the whole living in the moment thing...as in putting down the BlackBerry and being in the present moment with the people I am surrounded by rather than in a world consumed by that damn phone and those of you that live inside of it. This will be a tough one, but I think I can make some progress and know that everyone around me will be grateful. So with those taking priority others include, spending more time with my family, working on my finances...including leaving that credit card locked up, working out on a regular basis as well as many other things to better my health and appearance, re-thinking what I want out of a career and how to get it, always keep my faith, and most importantly to be Jen and do any and everything the Jen way!

So as we consider this day one...I say so far so good!

Thank you to each and every one of you that made this a wonderful birthday! This whole weekend and today have been absolutely amazing! THANK YOU!

Goodnight and I love you all!

MY MIND IS MY WORST ENEMY

I was told today that my mind is my worst enemy. I couldn't agree more. I am the worst over-thinker ever. I am always over-thinking and over-analyzing everything!!! It's who I am. I wish that I could just switch it off, believe me, but I haven' t found the switch just yet.

The next piece of advice I was given was, "Start seeing WHAT YOU KNOW not WHAT YOU THINK!". If that doesn't put things in perspective.

Since I have also been so indecisive when it comes to what is really on my mind and what I should share with you I think I will take the information above and touch on all 5 topics I was throwing around last night.

1) Nick and the fact that he showed up Tuesday and totally redeemed himself from the weekend!

I know that I have managed to complain a few times or be impatient and slightly confused...and I've definitely over-thought when it comes to this man...but, really all the over-thinking aside...Nick is amazing and I am really glad that we are getting to know each other. He is a great guy and although sometimes his laid-back attitude drives me crazy he is pretty darn amazing. He has taught me a lot already about myself, what I'm ready for, what I'm not, what I've been through, what I want to avoid...patience even (to an extent). Although many people would think the situation is weird or doesn't make sense it seems to be working and I'm just fine with going with the flow so that everyone is happy and comfortable. NOW, CONVINCING MY MIND OF THE THINGS I JUST TOLD YOU THAT I KNOW....THAT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT BATTLE! ;-)

2) Racing: Bowyer's in a new ride and Chase got a truck deal!

We all know that Clint is good...no one has ever questioned that. He had a very successful 2008 season and I'm sure that 2009 will be no different. Fact or fiction: I did receive an email saying that his diva ways didn't make Old Man Jack very happy thus he's back to snackin' on Cheerios! Not sure how true this is...but I know first hand Mr. Bowyer can be quite the diva!

Chase on the other hand...Chase is a very confident young man who has had his confidence tested more than once since he left the dirt he loved for NC. Chase has never given up and the love and support of his family have stayed as strong as ever and it looks like this could be paying off. Chase will be in a truck this year trying to prove himself to all of NASCAR that he's got the foot to run with the big boys!

I have full confidence that these two will be able to show their Kansas born talent off in 2009...I just hope that Chase doesn't follow in Clint's footsteps when it comes to his memory of where he's from and who has helped him get there.

The only reason this topic makes me over think is simple...where they are vs. where I am and where I want to be...see 4!

3) The fact that my bff in TX just pops up to remind me that he still doesn't think I know what I want and won't believe that I do until I'm walking down the aisle...oh and just a side note he wanted to check on my self-confidence and see if it was back to the level it was in college!

Well Mr. Nash...for the record I think this goes deeper than a "hey how ya doin'?"...but we won't go there this time! What I know is that I may not know exactly what I do want, but I know enough to figure out what I'm ok with and what I'm not. I also know that my confidence is doing just fine. I'm getting attention from a great man...and there are others that would be happy to be giving me the same attention. I am still the independent and confident Jen you knew back on the Hill, I'm just a little more grown up now. Yes this year has been hell for me and our friendship, but I'm good. I have learned a lot...about both myself and you...and I guess that means I've learned a little something about our friendship too.

Yes B I still over-think on this one too...I over-think about college, I over-think about not going to TX or Germany last fall, I over-think this summer, and I over-think all the time in-between...but you know I'm good with it. It all is what it is and who knows from there. I have learned to take you at face value when you come around and to let it lie when you don't.

Whether you have faith in me or not, I have faith in myself...I am confident that although I don't know exactly what I want...the way you mean it as well as in every other aspect of my life, I know that I will figure it out as it comes. Someday, in a church, somewhere, I will look you eye to eye (even if I have to stand on a chair) and watch you tell me that your faith in me has been restored. I can't wait...but hopefully it doesn't take that long for you to get back there again!

4) My career...where it is, where I want it to be, what to do about it.

This is one that has my mind a lot. I am not sold that I even know where I want to be or what I want to do about where I am now or where I am going, but I can give you what I know. I know that I don't want to be where I am right now for the rest of my life. I know that talking to Chase last night, watching the NASCAR news, and talking to Dusty and Walker on a regular basis that I miss Motorsports more than I can explain to you. Also, it is basketball season and I do work on the campus of the University of Kansas...that and talking to B.Nashty, Step, TStubbs, and all the rest on a regular basis I remember back to our college days and how much I love working with student-athletes and how much I enjoy college sports altogether.

I know when push comes to shove my heart is at the track...I'm just not sure how to get there again.

I will continue to over-think and pray about this one for some time to come...but I have faith that someday I will be right where I want to be.

5) It's my birthday Monday!!!

I don't think you can ever be too old for birthdays! I am very excited to go out to eat and to the bars with some friends on Saturday night. I really hope that Nick, Mike, Strick, and Danielle will meet up with us when the Slipknot concert is over. Hopefully it will be a good time.

I am also looking forward to the family dinner...it is always the one constant when you think about birthdays!

As for Monday...the big day...I have no idea what I'm going to do! :-( I'll figure it out I'm sure.

Anyway...I'm trying not to think about this one too much just go with the flow I know regardless of who I'm spending my time with it will be a great birthday!

OK, Well enough chatter for now. I will try to ward off my worst enemy and see what I know not what I think. We all know this isn't going to be easy for me, but my life really is pretty special right now.

Love you all!

Decisions Decisions - Viewer's Choice!

So I have been wanting to blog all week, but just can't decide what to blog about. I have lots of crazy thoughts, but nothing solid enough for a blog entry. Thus, I have decided to list my thoughts and hopefully it will spark some more ideas or you all can throw in your opinions and get me writing again!

1)Nick and the fact that he showed up Tuesday and totally redeemed himself from the weekend!
2)Racing: Bowyer's in a new ride and Chase got a truck deal!
3)The fact that my bff in TX just pops up to remind me that he still doesn't think I know what I want and won't believe that I do until I'm walking down the aisle...oh and just a side note he wanted to check on myself confidence and see if it was back to the level it was in college!
4)My career...where it is, where I want it to be, what to do about it.
5)Its my Birthday Monday!!!

Let me know what you think...maybe I'll decide tomorrow!

Goodnight and I love you!

Cry Baby

Can you believe it...I am sitting here in tears over something a boy did...after I told myself that I wouldn't cry over him. My feelings are hurt. Granted the initial hurt could be chalked up to my sensitivity and not giving him the benefit of the doubt, but now I'm just pissed off.

Things happen in my daily life that I want to talk about. I don't need to talk every day or anything, but when I feel the need to talk or need a little support, the last thing I want is to not be able to get ahold of someone. When I can't get ahold of the person and they don't call me back, my frustration just builds. I try to make every excuse I can for people...but sometimes I just can't do it anymore. At some point no matter how patient I try to be Jen comes out. Late into the evening on day three and two unreturned phone calls later a "Whats you up to" just doesn't do it for me. A request for call and another evening without it leaves me spitting flames by the time I wake up. A conversation to clear it up and plans for the evening pacify me for the time being, but then when you can't even come through on your plans. Now what do you want me to think? How do you expect me to feel? I'm not mad...no I think it is deeper than that. I'm hurt. I feel like my feelings, my time, well just me isn't important to you. I feel like this is truly a relationship of convenience for you and that what I think, feel, or want doesn't matter. If that is the case we need to get that handled...

For those of you that know me, you know that I am not one to keep my mouth shut and I'm not one to just go with the flow if I don't like where the flow is going. I have tried so hard to be more patient and to not get frustrated, to not punish other people for my past. With this one I have not only tried to be patient and laid back, I have even relinquished control. All along though I have told myself to hold back, to not get in too deep...and here I am crying about a boy that I promised myself I wouldn't let get to me like that. I guess on the positive side I think we just got our first fight out of the way...no it's not over...there are still things that need to be discussed and there is still tension that needs to be eased, but it no longer needs to be a fight...I feel like we can now just talk about it and move on.

I am an emotional girl and I always will be. I will not be taken advantage of, used, or misled in any manner. My fear is that I am being somewhat taken advantage of...and that's not ok.

Someone who I am sure would rather be the one having this fight with me than talking to me about it told me this morning that I need to realize how many steps forward this relationship has made and take at least that many back and think about Jen for a minute. Well Nate, as easy as that sounds, you and I both know that it is not. That said, I think that may be just what I need to do. I am frustrated and this isn't going my way...in the words of a best friend...this just isn't working for me. What will make it work...or will it? Do I want it to? These are questions I have to answer on my own. I'm not sure I know all the answers, but I'm pretty sure God's heard just about enough of the questions.

Don't get me wrong...Nick is amazing. I really like him and enjoy spending time with him. There are just some things that I can't handle anymore...some things that I just can't be that passive about...it just isn't me. I don't want any of you to think that he is a major jerkwad or that he did anything super wrong. He is still a great guy that makes me smile most of the time. The problem is me. The problem is I tried to be someone else when it came to my patience and what I let get on my nerves and what I didn't. Now, he just needs a little dose of Jen and we'll all be ok.

Thanks to all of my nearest and dearest friends for listening to me about this the past 24 hours. Hopefully I've got it all out of my system for the time being.

Goodnight and I love you all!

*Oh and a side note...please stop eating peanut butter for me...just until the FDA has this whole mess all figured out. I can't handle another crisis.*

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Back in high school there was once a yearbook title of "Where Everybody Knows Your Name". At the time everyone thought it was the best fit for the attendees at Seaman High School. Thing is, it was just that, a place where everybody knew your name, yet they didn't know much more than that. The best quote to explain how I felt in high school comes from Jay-Z, "You only know what you see, you don't understand what it takes to be me." Again, oh so true. Although back in high school we knew everyones name, for the most part no one really KNEW each other. There are exceptions of course. I still have Nancy as one of my best friends...since second grade. Other than Nancy though, there just aren't too many people from high school that I still keep in touch with. Of course I see a few at the race track now and then and in college I would run into JP and a couple others on campus occasionally, but I can't say that I know them.

The other day I read a blog from one of my former classmates. I must say that I know we have all changed in the past 5-10 years, but I learned more in the 5 minutes I took to read that blog than I recall ever knowing through all of our years in school together. Now, that's sad. High school is what it is and there is a lot of drama. Looking back I wish that I had taken the time to get to know more people...or rather, that they had taken the time to get to know me. I am so pleased to be reconnecting with some of these old classmates now that we are out in the real world. Some were friends then and will never be more than aquantances now...and some were never more than aquantances then and will be friends moving forward. Either way, I will never forget the years spent in a place where everybody knew your name...yet I am so grateful for that time to be in my past and am so blessed with who I have become.

Get with the program...part II ?

Ok, Sfar here you go. As promised my more lengthy response to your latest blog. Before I start, can I just say thank goodness for a double monitor so I can read along as I go. :)

Well lady, you're right...the best thing to do is "get off your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself." and it is true that "Life's a bitch and this isn't front page news." However, it is so much easier to think that or tell a friend than to actually force yourself to do.

That said...I know that you are crushed that this opportunity didn't come to be reality...however, I wouldn't take it as complete rejection. This was something that you had been wokring on for a very long time and nothing you did has brought the economy to where it is today. Although, you shouldn't have put all your eggs in one basket it is so easy to do. When we want something so badly you can't help but to put all of your effort into it. Now that we are back to the drawing board, we just have to make sure that you stay focused on the dream and don't get held up with a stepping-stone to achieving that dream. As we look to the future there are multiple stepping-stones we will have to cross to reach our dreams and goals. Each step we take we will more than likely have multiple stones to choose from...we have to be sure that we don't try to land on one stone without closely looking at each of them. Ok...so that was totally dumb and cheesy, but you get my point. If you put all your effort into trying to get one opportunity, you may let something even better pass you by in the long run.

So, you've gotta have some faith, pull yourself together and get on to plan B...because I'm sure that Obama won't be sharing the wealth anytime soon! You are right, you can't have faith in anyone else...but if you have faith in yourself you'll get that dream...it just may not be by taking the path you set out on to begin with.

Let's look at your Dad's philosophy for a second..."face reality." Makes sense...have you done that yet? Reality is, you aren't going to be an intern at Sprint right now, you are still in Topeka re-learning lives most precious lessons from annoying kids day in and day out...but, it is also reality that your dream hasn't changed and that you can still get there. You can still get to Charlotte and you can still work in PR in some form related to NASCAR. The thing is, you just have to re-think how to get there.

I have faith in you Sfar, do you have it in yourself?

Now, for the most simple question...I'm not sure how you answered this, but I will answer it for myself:

If I don't see tomorrow would I be happy with the way I have lived my life?

Well, there are alwyas things we wish that we would have done a little differently or that we wish would have turned out a different way. But, I would say that in 2008 my life has come full circle. I have learned so much about myself as I have been faced with so many obstacles. Someday I would still like the chance to head to Charlotte with you or walk into an office at Allen Fieldhouse everyday...but more importantly I want to be there for my family and be just a phone call, a car ride, or a flight away. I have learned that you have to dream big and work for those dreams, but you have to remember that some times the most important things and just what you're looking for may be right in front of your face. Think about it. I started 2008 in a position in motorsports...I had an opportunity to go to Memphis and I let it go...good thing, because my family needed me more than ever this year...and truth be told, I needed them too. Now, with a lot of frustration and hundreds of resumes out the door I am so blessed to drive on to the campus of the University of Kansas everyday where I get to come to work representing the very thing that has driven me since I was a little girl. I have been a Jayhawk for as long as I can remember, I wanted nothing more than to attend the University of Kansas and walk down the Hill through the Campanile and into Memorial Stadium. I did just that, I have the piece of paper and student loan to prove it. Although I am not working with Athletes on a daily basis, I am still here a part of the tradition. It's a stepping-stone Sarah...one that may lead me down the hill to Naismith Drive and the most beautiful building in the country (Allen Fieldhouse) or one that could lead me back to Kansas City, to a dirt track between here and the east coast, or maybe even Charlotte, NC. Wherever this path may lead, I am thankful for the ride, and blessed with the lessons and experience...and yes, if I don't see tomorrow I would be happy with the way I have lived my life.

I love each and every one of you that has been a part of this journey called life...you are my family, my friends, my mentors...you have had a hand in who I have become and who I am still to be...thank you!

Bowyer news...can we say interesting...

Every week I try to log on to cjonline to check out the celebrations. I like to see who is getting engaged and who has gotten married. It's always interesting to see people you know, but today I saw one that really shocked me.

Greeson - Bowyer

Casey Bowyer was dating Brook Greeson years ago when I was writing for Champion Direct...how long has that been now...over 5 years. I am shocked that they are finally getting married. Not to say I've kept tabs, because I haven't. I guess my surprise is that it has take so long for Casey to put a ring on her finger. Good news is she was around before big brother made it to the big time...

Seeing this makes me reflect on the Bowyer family name and what it generally reflects. My definition to that name would be all across the bored...from arrogant to talented. I hope that as Brook becomes a Bowyer she will still remember where she came from, because Lord knows the majority of the Bowyer glan has forgotten...except of course when it is the right think to say to the media.

Don't get me wrong, I am a Bowyer fan...have been since the days of the Factory Stock at the short track. Back in the days when Clint was simply The Kid. I am excited to see him succeed and saddened to see him act like he has forgotten where he came from and the people who helped to get him there. I remember watching Clint when we were all young and thinking he was such an ass and then I got to know him and his family and began to see that Clint was a great guy with a great family, but then Clint got a Sunday job and it seems like when he comes home he is that same PFP he was in high school. I know that when people tell me Clint is really just a cocky little jerk I'm the first to say...he's not so bad, you just gotta get to know him...and that's a true statement, but does anyone that knew Clint on dirt really know Clint now?

With that I wish the best to Casey and Brook and their future together as well as to Clint Bowyer Racing for the 2009 Season.

Goodnight and I love you all!

Overload

Ok, so as usual, my mind has been on overload the past 36 hours or so. Not that I want to get into why or what's up right now though.

I do want to stay that I am ecstatic that my Mom came to see me today! I know that she spends every waking moment taking care of or cleaning up after someone, but I really just wanted her to be here. My project for the day...cleaning up the spare room! I knew that this was a project that I needed to tackle on my own, however, I wanted my Mom to be here. She came up and sat with me as I got the room back to a room. I swear it looked like a tornado has went through. I'm super excited that it looks and feels like a functional room. For awhile there I had been leaving the door shut because I didn't want anyone to see how bad it was. Now, I can't wait for Nick to come by or the girls to come up for the weekend and see the transformation.

Well, there's another thing Nick. Nick and I had an interesting weekend. I will say that there were moments of confusion, but by the time I went to sleep on Saturday night I think we were on the same page. I'm sure you are all dying to know what happened or why all the confusion. However, for now I would rather not say. I know that I have been pretty open with all of you lately and want to do so always, but there are somethings that need to be between the people involved. Nothing from this weekend was a bad thing at all...and I am very glad that we are able to communicate with each other to ensure that we are on the same page. I hope that we can remain open and honest with each other as we see where things go. As we both have reservations to getting into another relationship after the ones from our past I think that it is essential that we take our time and go with the flow as much as possible. I really like Nick and I know that he likes me...regardless of pace or titles or anything else, what will be will be and I truly believe that is out of our control, so for now, we will go with the flow and move at a pace that is comfortable for both of us. If this works then it works, if it doesn't then it doesn't.

So, as my extended weekend comes to a close I am sad that I didn't get to spend more time with my family, ecstatic that my apartment is coming together, and comfortable with where things stand with Nick.

And I think that's all you need to know for now...
...so Goodnight and I love you all!

Low BS tolerance is getting lower

It's funny how when you meet someone new that you really like, you try to give them the benefit of the doubt just a little more than you normally would. Well, I must say this boy has gotten the benefit of the doubt a lot more than I normally would give it. I'm not sure why. However, I am sure that it's not going to last much longer. You all know how I am, I hit that wall...the one where I say to myself, this is BS I'm not dealing with it any more. I'm sure that's probably why I am single now and have put up with $hitheads most of my adult life. The thing is, I am also fully aware that if I don't begin to work on my patience, that I will probably run off, or run away from rather, some really great guys.

I am trying to go with the flow when it comes to Nick...I am trying to stay patient and just enjoy what I'm living...but here's the deal:

~I will not sit at home and wait...unless you are very specific about when I can expect to see you.
~I will not call and text you all the time...this needs to be even, I'm not a chaser here...don't need to be!
~I will not fight for you or with you. There are many other people that would be happy to give me undivided attention...I will not compete for yours AND I will not fight with you unless it is a fight that needs to be had...so little attitudes will get on my nerves quick! I've had too many fights over nothing and I won't do that again.
~Being vague or avoiding a conversation will only send me back to what I know from my past...I hate to be always questioning everything...so just speak up.
~Honesty is always best...no matter what!
~Communication is key...like what's going on in your life communication, not just what's up, did you see the game, etc.
~Patience is power...but sometimes I just don't have any!
~Time with your boys for you and my girls for me is essential, but time together is also very important.
~I am not a puppet, so don't think you can string me along until I fit into your schedule...it just doesn't work that way.
~Neither one of us is really that busy...if we want to make time for each other we will...just like that...so I will never be too busy to pick up the phone or catch a movie and I will never believe that you are too busy so don't try that excuse.

I'm sure there are a million more things I could add to this list. Don't get me wrong, Nick is a great guy and he isn't doing anything wrong. I just have a very low BS tolerance and when I start to recognize this then things that I have been blowing off start to get noticed. The list above just includes some of the points that I have to remind myself so I don't fall back into old patterns of old relationships that just don't work. After my last breakup I vowed to myself that I would re-evaluate my standards and not settle for anything less than what I deserve. It is easy to forget this and fall into whatever gets comfortable.

I like Nick a lot and so far things seem to be going well, but today I felt like I needed to reflect a minute on a few of the things that are important for me to remember as our relationship (or whatever the hell you want to call it) continues to grow.

For now, I am living in the moment and loving every minute of it...and I plan to continue to do just that!

Love you all!
~Jen :-)