Trouble

I'm not sure why I'm having so much trouble with what I have written today. It came from my heart...it was what I was feeling at the time. Although, it didn't come out how I planned and it wasn't what I was going for...they were still my words. I initially clarified the post with an additional posting...then I removed the posts. I guess I was worried about offending someone or hearting someones feelings. I've been back and forth about this all day long. Then I went and took a shower...that's where I think the best...and spend some time clearing my head and listening to my heart...you know, letting God talk to me.

I came to the conclusion that these are my words...every last one of them. Whatever I typed came from the heart. If it is perceived different than intended then so be it. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. Those who know me will understand...and those who know me and don't understand will ask. Everyone else...well...do I really care?

I'm done with this for reals...I would be more than happy to hold further discussions with anyone...but I'm not having them with my own worst enemy (my mind) any longer!

CLARIFICATION

Just to clarify. I think there may have been some confusion with my last post "BAGGAGE". I do not know nor have I ever considered Chase Austin a part-time friend nor do I consider Nate Harris a part-time friend. I also do not consider either of these men to be baggage or the cause of baggage in my life. The friendships that I have with each of them are unique and real. The happenings that I shared with each of them are personal and no one's business...but please realize that I cherish their friendships and value them each individually. The connection between the baggage and seeing the article in the LJWorld were not a direct reflection on Chase. They are simply a segway to the fact that friendships are tricky, each is unique, and each means a lot to a person. Sometimes we question those friendships or the intentions of our friends. For me the questioning comes from baggage. I have been hurt by a lot of people...friends and significant others. It is very hard for me to not be sensitive, emotional, and concerned when it comes to my friendships. I have a constant fear of being hurt...that folks is the baggage.

If you read this differently I apologize. If anyone is offended or confused, please let me know.

Chase, Nate, and Nick...if you don't understand or would prefer...I would be more than happy to remove the posts from today and talk with any of you about my thought process here and always.

*muah*Jen

Baggage

Today I open the Kansan just like any other day. Cruise through the headlines straight to my horoscope. HALT!!! My horoscope today...quite an interesting one...and as I read the headlines of the LJWorld...probably a quite fitting one...here goes:

HOROSCOPE: Aquarius: Today is a 6. Get rid of your spare baggage, both literal and figurative. As you've already discovered, you'll need to travel light. That goes for the mental and physical baggage, too, of course.

BAGGAGE...that word really makes me sink. Yes, everyone has baggage and most don't like to admit it. Thing is...baggage seems to be the one thing we want to get rid of yet just can't bear to let go. Reading this today, I think about the past year or so...I have gotten rid of quite a bit of baggage, yet I'm sure that I have added more than I know. Digressing I have to point out that I have alleviated a boyfriend that was probably around way too long, had a terrible fight with a best friend that lasted nearly the entire summer, I have lost two very dear loved ones, changed jobs...how many times now, I'm pretty sure I lost count last April, I have also met a lot of new people (friends and boys) and watched most of them come and go already. Life is funny when it comes to things like that. I'm sure all of the above and many more have added to the current baggage I carry...mentally and physically. I remember going through this little phase back in Novemberish...where I just wanted to throw away everything...including all of my Tupperware. Not sure what that little stint was about, but I've noticed it really isn't over. I'll take something out of the dishwasher and toss it...thinking I don't need this...or walk into the spare bedroom and come out with five things I don't even know why I have. So, now, today, reading this horoscope I reflect on what I need to let go of...really let go of...mentally and physically.

THIS IS FOR REAL: The first indication that I am surrounding myself with the wrong people...not bad people, just people that don't really give a shit about me...or at least don't know how to show it...was opening the LJWorld and seeing the article..."NASCAR driver throws first pitch at the K" (or whatever it was titled). This man (young man) that I thought was a friend hasn't been so much since his last stop in Kansas...why? No f*n clue! All that I know is I don't need to surround myself with people that want to be part-time friends. Regardless of your career or anything else in your life, true friends are friends to the end...they are the friends you had when you were playing on dirt...the ones who will still be at your side when you have your name in lights...or, if you are forced to stop the chase and come back home. Now, that's the kind of friend that I want and the kind of friend I want to be. No folks, I'm not worried about my friendship with Chase. I'm just sayin' your friends shouldn't have to read about shit in the paper...they should already know. I know that there are a lot of variables that go into ones actions and I get that. Now, if one instance turns to pattern, then you have to question things.

WHAT ELSE: This leads to other people in my life. Other instances turning to patterns...Starting with Nathan...I love Nathan to death...our history is interesting...the story of how we met is priceless. We kinda talked for awhile...things didn't work out...we were not at all on the same page. After quite the argument and a little break, we became friends. Nate was an amazing friend...however, it was quickly obvious that the interest hadn't gone anywhere. Yet, today having Nate in my life I see a lot of patterns between us that were there in the beginning. That isn't ok for me. There was a reason I cut Nate out of my life from the start. First time shame on him...please, Nathan, let's not get to shame on me. Question is, to avoid getting there...do I need to make some sort of move? Is this baggage?

Nick...what do you want? That's all I really want to know. Talk about hot and cold, I've said this before...I don't get why this man keeps trying to come and go in my life...for what really??? I have a feeling that there is some baggage there from the first time around...but I also have a feeling for some reason, I don't want to let it go...strange! I don't understand.I could go on forever, but you get the drift...I have multiple male friends that could be the cause for some baggage...I guess technically mental baggage, but I'm not sure.

I have been told a couple of similar things lately from my friends...one said: Jen, do you really need any more guy friends. I know, I have a ton of them, but let's be real...I don't like girls...girls mean drama and I can't deal with that shit. Another said: I think you don't need any more guy friends, you need to date. Ok, fair enough, but why the hell is it that I meet guys...many with great potential for more...yet, I always end up with really great friends. Is that all bad? I don't know the answer. Probably not...but they sure do add to baggage that's already there...WAIT! Maybe that's the real problem.

REAL ISSUE: I think we are finally getting somewhere...maybe. Could the real issue here be the baggage left from my past? The baggage of my last serious relationship. I mean, think about it...that relationship aided in plenty of hurt and/or lost friendships, stress with my family, financial issues, major trust issues...I could probably go on forever. Thing is...I realize that I was in a bad situation and I am no longer in that situation. I don't have any desire to be in that situation again. There is virtually no contact with that person...and I am just fine with that. Let's see where we've gotten since that breakup...

• I have rekindled a few friendships, but unfortunately, the won't be what they were before. I have also made many others.
• I have also worked really hard to be a better part of my family. My family means the world to me and I need to be sure to never let anyone or anything get in the way of my time with them. So far, so good.
• My financial situation is great. I'm finally getting my savings account back and I don't need anyone to pay my bills (never did). My money is mine...no one will be touching that.
• Trust...trust is a whole different beast! Not only were there trust issues in my relationship, it seems there were some trust issues with some of my friendships as well. Bryant and I wouldn't have had nearly the trouble we did had there not been some trust issues there. I believe that if we had truly trusted each other, we would've talked through everything all at once, been on the same page and moved forward. Then there's Nick, the first guy I really really talked to after my break up...the first man I actually spent time with. I trusted him...looking back, probably too much. It was almost like I went from not being able to trust anyone to trusting someone too much. I have no f*n clue half the things he did while we were talking...and that's ok. I just know that I have to be able to find a balance here. When you get hurt over and over, trust is a hard thing to give.
  

BOTTOM LINE: I think the bottom line here is I have to surround myself with people who care about me as much if not more than I can care about them. I'm not sure who these people are in my life, but I'm trying to figure it out. I think having this philosophy is great for family, friends, and potential significant others. My weakness when it comes to dating is letting men get away with things I would never take from friends...that is a work in progress. If I just remember that those who care about me aren't afraid to show it...whether its a text to say what's up...a five minute visit from a friend who's in town just for a couple days...a post on my facebook or myspace page...a card just to say I'm thinkin' of you...anything, little things! I, just like anyone else, want to know that people care about me. Everything else will fall together in due time!

POINT: Wow...this really took a turn from where I started. Just to clarify...this post isn't about a man...havin' a man, wanting a man, getting a man...this post is about friendship...true friendship!!! Also, my spare room still needs some work...there is a lot of physical baggage that I need to get rid of...I'm working on that though...slowly but surely.

TRAVELING LIGHT: The horoscope also says something about knowing that I am going to have to travel light. I don't know what this means really. I do know that I am wanting to move this summer...not sure where I'm moving too...even if it's down the street, I think this move needs to be a fresh start for me. Along with that, I have been searching for a new job...a job I love...a job I'm passionate about. If that comes along, I need to be able to dive in without any other worries. I hope that something will come along where my friends are near...be it in motorsports in Charlotte where Chase is (and these people I used to know...the Bowyers...now I think the Hamburger Helper Hand knows Clint, better than I do, but still) or the NFL where my boys from college live...something in basketball even...development so Nashty and Nate might be around. Or, even, a change of ownership and a place back at Heartland Park wouldn't be so bad...you know dirt has a special place in my heart. Whatever, lies a head I am ready to tackle it...I just hope the people who are there with me then will be there with me now. The people who aren't here with me now...I can't allow to be there with me then. Think about it...what would Diddy do?

Blessings,
Jen

THE MEN IN MY LIFE...

I got to reflecting a little today about the men in my life. I find it very intriguing how different each one is. Now, I'm not talking about my Dad and my baby brother or my little nephews or any other family member. I'm talking about the rest of the guys in my life...the guys who have an impact they probably don't recognize and I'm sure an impact that no one truly understands but God!

There's...

• the one who will always be my best friend...we have a history and a relationship most don't understand. He has a place in my heart that no one can touch...and yes, I know he's in love.
• the one who lives states away...we have secrets we don't need to share & some days there's nothing but business talk there. This one is strange because rarely do our business and personal paths cross on the same day...this one is special, in it's own way.
• the one where ... can say so much and personal and business always touch. One of my best friends he will always be...the questions that could've been answered years ago, forever now will probably be.
• the one who's laugh lights up a room. He can turn your day from miles away. All my girls say he could be perfect for me...and wonder why we can't just get to it already.
• the one who's confused. I think boot camp would do. He's a Katy Perry song to a T...he's hot then he's cold...that shit got old! Now he pops up to say 'what's up'. Why won't he stay gone...some say I don't want this one to be done. I think I deserve more than that...I don't need that kind of crap.
• the one who's a blast from the past...still separated by the Gateway to the West. Two great weekends and curiosity, but distance there will always be.
• the one who's a great friend, yet he would like our talkin' days to start over again. For some reason this one has always been tough...things have always been pretty rough. The only way to make this one clear must be time and prayer!
• last but not least...the one that means a lot to me. For years he has been in and out of my life...but the timing always seems just right. He always knows just what to say and sometimes uses his waterdrop to spin my day. We have had talks of 'what ifs' and just friends...trust we have had our share of misunderstandings. Friends like this don't come along very often and you have to be sure to take them to your coffin!

Each of these men has impacted my life in their own way...and they still are today. I'm not sure how these relationships will fall together and apart. I don't know what they all mean and I don't think knowledge of the meaning is what I need. What I do know is this...for each of them I have been blessed!!!

If you can't figure out which guy is which hit my up and maybe I'll dish.

Apologies as this seemed to have turned rather poetic!

Normal......???

"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well" -Joe Ancis

This was the Quote of the Day when I logged on to check my blog this morning. It caught my eye because if you think about it...it is so true!!! Normal is the TV anchor woman who was born and raised in the town she is reporting in with 2 beautiful kids, married to the rival stations anchor man. I'm sure that as with each of us if you dig a little deeper, her world isn't so perfect, isn't so normal, any more than yours or mine.

I know that I could go through my facebook friends list and myspace too for that matter and tell you one thing that makes each of my friends not normal, but I'll save them from that. I guess that raises the question of what is normal. Is normal the perfect little life? Living the American Dream? OR is normal having your share of issues, yet being able to forget them and think about nothing but your dirt track friends the moment 'Chicken Fried' comes on the radio?

Regardless of your definition of normal, I think it is all relative. Your normal is probably not my normal and my normal surely isn't yours. Yet, when it comes down to it, nothing in life is perfect. If we all remember that perfection isn't normal, then in a sense we each are normal regardless of our abnormalities!

Daddy says:

So this weekend I went back to Topeka. As you all know there has been plenty of talk as to where I will be living when my lease is up in July.

If all of our dreams came true and money grew on trees I'd probably be packing up for a career in NASCAR country or heading to the west side of the Rockies to live the simple life.

As I digress back to reality I see that the more realistic options are:

• Stay here in Lawrence where I would be living 6 minutes from work and a minimum of 30 minutes from family and any in-state friends.
• Move to Eudora where the cost of living may be slightly less. I would have the small town atmosphere and a simple drive to Lawrence for work or KC for fun. Yet, my family would be a minimum 45 minutes or more away.
• Move to the KC Metro area and be near plenty of shopping and other things to do. A few 'friends'...yes I use the term loosely as I'm not sure how many close/true friends I have in the Metro anymore.

As I traveled to Topeka with this weighing heavy on my mind Sunday morning I am welcomed by my family who has seemingly been pondering as well. They have a morning slated of a drive to my Uncle Dale's condo as well as a ride through Hunter's Ridge to see what is available there. The condo is nice, but I'm not sold. Northrock looks great from the outside, yet I have heard it's not great when it comes down to it...a nice share of disturbances and vehicle break-ins.

Standing in the back yard watching the grill and nature later that afternoon, my father pulls up a chair and tells me to have a seat. I know this is the prelude to..."this is what I think you should do." Yet my parents have always tried to never tell us what to do...they just tend to attempt to guide us along. Dad tells me point blank..."I think it's high time you start making decisions for yourself...it seems like you've always made decisions based on other people and never for you. It's time you do something for yourself and only you...whatever that is. Just do something for you!!!" As I used my sunglasses to shield the tears forming at the corner of my eyes I knew my father was right. From the day I moved out of the house at the age of 18 I only remember one time making a decision for me and only me. That was when I decided that when Missy left for grad school and Cori went to Wichita I was going to live alone!!! Not with my pleading boyfriend, not back in with my parents...ALONE, just me! Other than that, I cannot remember another time in the 8 years since I left Topeka that I have made a semi-big/major decision on my own with no outside influences. Something just for me.

That said, I've done a lot of thinking...a lot of talking out loud to Walker as a sounding board and nothing else. I think it's high time for me to head home.

Mind you if the Hamburger Helper hand knocks some sense into Clint or Chase gets an amazing sponsorship and either of them makes my phone ring with a request for my presences in North Carolina I'm in the truck on the way to KCI before the phone call is over...guaranteed!!! However, I'm sure that will be the day all our dreams come true and we see money replacing leaves in the trees of our backyards.

For now, I look homeward bound.

Makin' Moves!

You know it's funny how you don't realize how many connections to your passion you truly have until you sit down with your address book and start sending out emails!!!

I love this feeling and needed the confidence booster!!!

Thank you to everyone for your help and support now and always!

Love you and and God Bless!

~Jen