Trust Me

TRUST!

It is no secret that I have trust issues. The question is...how do you get beyond this? The last thing I want to do is punish a great man for something that someone/a few people in my past did. Bryant Nash told me when Jericho and I broke up that I would struggle with trust for a very long time and that there was no way that I could get around that. The truth is, he's right. No matter how hard you try to not let your past affect your present it's just not possible.

During the past few months I have tried to focus a lot on what I want out of a relationship and how I want to be treated. One of the things that I have really noticed about this free time is that I love spending time with my girls and I want to be sure that no matter what I don't lose my friend time. I know that this is important to guys as well. I think that having experienced a relationship where I had little to no friend time without a fight then experiencing the single life where I could have as much friend time as I wanted I will be able to balance my friends and my relationship without letting my relationship take over all of my me time.

The good part about 'talking' to a guy before you date him is the balance between time together and time with your friends. I think that right now this seems to be going well. The bad part about 'talking' to a guy is that there are no rules, no guidelines, and you really have no idea what they are doing when they aren't with you. I feel like things are moving along pretty naturally and although I have no idea if Nick is talking to any other girls and he has no idea if I am talking to any other guys it still feels pretty comfortable. Yesterday he said that he doesn't want to know if I am talking to anyone else right now because we are still talking, but once you start dating then that has to stop. He asked if I would want to know if he was talking to other girls and frankly I don't know. Part of me wants to know because I'm a girl...yet there's a big part of me that really doesn't want to know. I'm afraid that if I knew whether he was talking to other girls or not it would change the natural progression of our relationship and I don't want to throw off something that seems to be on the right track.

I think that this mindset is also helping me to work on my trust issues. As much as I struggle with trust I don't seem to be questioning Nick too much. I don't know why, but I don't feel the need to question anything or call him all the time when we aren't together. I'm not sure if this is because there are no labels yet or if it is just him. I have a feeling that it is just him. It really is exciting to me that I do feel a sense of trust that I haven't truly felt before. It is also a little scary. I wonder why I am so comfortable and trusting in him when I barely know him. Why do I feel like I can trust this man when I have had so much trouble trusting and getting hurt in the past? I am sure that part of it is his communication. He has been pretty open with me so far talking about his family, his job, etc. I think the fact that he has voluntarily carried conversations about these as well as many other topics makes me feel a lot more comfortable.

I hope that this feeling of comfort and trust continues, but there is a part of me that is scared to let myself feel this way. I am afraid of letting someone in. I'm scared of getting hurt! As scared as I am, I don't want to start over thinking things and making myself not trust him just out of fear. I am very confident that as long as we continue the way that they are we will be fine. Right now in my eyes he is trusted until he breaks that trust...

WOW! That was a fully loaded sentence...but you know me...I don't say things I don't mean.

With that I'll say goodnight and I love you all!