Family Time!

Well, it's finally here. Christmas Eve begins in just over 30 minutes. As I lay on the couch watching KU get BEAT...I am thinking of how ready I am to go home. I love this time of year and although it has been hard for me to get in the Christmas Spirit I am confident that I will be full of the Holiday Spirit when I wake up in the morning.

I will be spending tomorrow doing last minute preparations with my Mom and then going to my Aunt Sharon's to give my nieces and nephews their gifts, on to Aunt Martha's for dinner and more presents, to Potwin for lights, then...depending on my energy level I will either head to church or say my prayers and go to bed.

Thursday will be busy as well. Christmas morning at the house. By the way, I have no clue what's in my shaking package. Then warm pop-can cinnamon rolls for breakfast, the family up for lunch, cards and snacks all afternoon, back here to get my apt in order before the girls come on Friday, and hopefully some quality time with Nick.

I'm going to be a busy bee, but it will be a great couple of days!

Talk to you soon!
Goodnight and I love you all!
Merry Christmas!!!
~Jen :-)

'Tis the Season!

I'm sure that I will spend quite a bit of time reflecting on the past year the next few weeks. It has been quite the ride and I am very excited to see what 2009 will bring. I am going to try to stay focused on Christmas today...we'll see how that works out for me.

As you all know and many of you are a part of...I have a huge family, a very close family. I am very proud of that. Although I don't get home very often, my family is the most important thing in the world to me. During this time of year it is great to be able to communicate with everyone more and share our time with each other. It really is too bad that we don't take time to do this more often.

I generally love this time of year because I get to be creative and go shopping for the perfect gift for those I love. I always try to put a lot of thought into my gift giving, because the people I buy for all hold a special place in my heart. For some reason I really struggled with that this year. I had trouble getting in the Christmas spirit and trouble shopping.

Since Grandma Brown passed away Thanksgiving and Christmas have been a very emotional time for me and my family. We have lost some of those that mean the most to us during this time of year. I remember looking back on the Holidays since then and notice that I spent so much time reflecting and just enjoying my family in the moment. Just being so at peace with myself because I was so blessed to share these days with the people that I loved...it didn't matter what I was given or from whom...all that mattered was that I was with my family. I don't even remember now what was going on in my life at each of those times, yet they were to be cherished. One Thanksgiving weekend my Grandma Brown passed away, one Christmas I had just wrecked my car two or three days earlier and I was just relieved to be there with my family and in one piece, last year around Thanksgiving we lost Uncle Mike, and this year we have been through a lot. I have experienced a lot in my own life and we have experienced a lot as a family. I have lost two jobs, ended a relationship, got a really great job that I am proud to have, had a very important friendship tested to the max and it still isn't put back together right, we lost my Grandpa, I dropped a couple thousand that I didn't have into my truck among other financial tests, we lost my Uncle Dick to cancer, I ran off to St.L to spend a weekend with a guy I hadn't seen in 4 years with no clue why or what was going to happen, I have strengthed great friendships and tested others, I have learned that CW is one of the most important people in my life and although most don't understand us that's ok, I have talked to more guys than a football coach in a pre-game pep talk...but learned something about myself every step of the way, finally I have found a guy that I actually believe is worth my time and am learning to test myself everyday as we see where things go. I'm sure there are plenty of other things I've lived this year that I didn't list, but the point is, you live and you learn, there is a reason for everything, and sometimes you don't realize it in the moment, but what doesn't kill you truly does make you stronger.

I knew that my family was strong, but I'm not sure I realized just how strong we were until Uncle Dick got really sick. When we found out that he was sick we spent nearly every weekend sharing a meal together. At the end, when he went into the hospital it touched my heart everyday walking into the room and seeing every one of my family members there. When he moved to hospice everyone followed. It was so touching to look around me and see at least 20 family members all there at once just to be there, to sit together, to laugh, to cry, to wait for the inevitable. I wouldn't have it any other way. Even since then I myself have spent more time on the phone, in text, email, and online with my Aunts, cousins, nieces, parents, brother, and future sister-in-law and I never want to slow that down.

Looking to this week and all the festivities of Christmas I know that we will all spend time laughing together, crying together, probably arguing together, giving each other shit and taking each others money...and I can't wait! I truly believe that I have the best family in the world and I thank God everyday for each and every person that is a part of my family and my life.

I am so excited to see so many of you Wednesday and Thursday. I wish all of you a Merry Christmas! For those of you I will not see: be safe wherever you are.

To all of you...you are in my thoughts and prayers now and always!
I love you and goodnight!

Trust Me

TRUST!

It is no secret that I have trust issues. The question is...how do you get beyond this? The last thing I want to do is punish a great man for something that someone/a few people in my past did. Bryant Nash told me when Jericho and I broke up that I would struggle with trust for a very long time and that there was no way that I could get around that. The truth is, he's right. No matter how hard you try to not let your past affect your present it's just not possible.

During the past few months I have tried to focus a lot on what I want out of a relationship and how I want to be treated. One of the things that I have really noticed about this free time is that I love spending time with my girls and I want to be sure that no matter what I don't lose my friend time. I know that this is important to guys as well. I think that having experienced a relationship where I had little to no friend time without a fight then experiencing the single life where I could have as much friend time as I wanted I will be able to balance my friends and my relationship without letting my relationship take over all of my me time.

The good part about 'talking' to a guy before you date him is the balance between time together and time with your friends. I think that right now this seems to be going well. The bad part about 'talking' to a guy is that there are no rules, no guidelines, and you really have no idea what they are doing when they aren't with you. I feel like things are moving along pretty naturally and although I have no idea if Nick is talking to any other girls and he has no idea if I am talking to any other guys it still feels pretty comfortable. Yesterday he said that he doesn't want to know if I am talking to anyone else right now because we are still talking, but once you start dating then that has to stop. He asked if I would want to know if he was talking to other girls and frankly I don't know. Part of me wants to know because I'm a girl...yet there's a big part of me that really doesn't want to know. I'm afraid that if I knew whether he was talking to other girls or not it would change the natural progression of our relationship and I don't want to throw off something that seems to be on the right track.

I think that this mindset is also helping me to work on my trust issues. As much as I struggle with trust I don't seem to be questioning Nick too much. I don't know why, but I don't feel the need to question anything or call him all the time when we aren't together. I'm not sure if this is because there are no labels yet or if it is just him. I have a feeling that it is just him. It really is exciting to me that I do feel a sense of trust that I haven't truly felt before. It is also a little scary. I wonder why I am so comfortable and trusting in him when I barely know him. Why do I feel like I can trust this man when I have had so much trouble trusting and getting hurt in the past? I am sure that part of it is his communication. He has been pretty open with me so far talking about his family, his job, etc. I think the fact that he has voluntarily carried conversations about these as well as many other topics makes me feel a lot more comfortable.

I hope that this feeling of comfort and trust continues, but there is a part of me that is scared to let myself feel this way. I am afraid of letting someone in. I'm scared of getting hurt! As scared as I am, I don't want to start over thinking things and making myself not trust him just out of fear. I am very confident that as long as we continue the way that they are we will be fine. Right now in my eyes he is trusted until he breaks that trust...

WOW! That was a fully loaded sentence...but you know me...I don't say things I don't mean.

With that I'll say goodnight and I love you all!

Family Emergencies

OK...we need to make something completely clear. Just because I live 30 miles away from you all doesn't mean that I don't care and that I don't need to be kept informed!

Yesterday Dad got hurt at work. He was nearly done at the hospital before I found out about it. Then the only reason I got the information was because I called Mom about something else and she happened to mention it. If anyone in my immediate family is headed to the ER I need a phone call immediately! If anyone else in the family is going to the ER then I need a phone call way sooner than later.

Now that we have that established.

Dad is doing ok. He got a cut on his upper and lower lip. They clued one fo the cuts together. He also broke his two front teeth. He will not be able to visit the dentist until Monday to see what they will do to fix that.

I haven't exactly got a picture perfect version of the story. All I know is that they were doing something at work and a wrench came lose it the floor and Dad took it in the mouth. Later in the day Preston said that he told Dad to keep his mouth shut or he was going to get it and Dad didn't listen...not sure how much of that is true...but we all know the kind of leader Pops is ;-)

Here is the picture of the injury once he got home from the hospital. Be sure to call and check on him...and of course, give him hell.

Take care! Happy Friday! Love you all!!!

reflection

I posted this on myspace and facebook today. I have not edited it to fit this page, I just copied and pasted. So, I know the ending may be slightly out of place, just ignore that part. Enjoy...goodnight and I love you all!

After my blog yesterday I realized how much I miss putting my thoughts in writing. I know that after Jericho and I broke up and when Bryant and I were going through all that we did I wrote a lot...almost wore myself out with my blogs on myspace and notes on facebook. Yet, if I hadn't started writing I'd be in the looney bin by now. With that, I am going to try to get back to writing on a more regular basis. However, I think I will try to keep the thoughts on my blog site for the most part rather than facebook or myspace. I haven't given my blog site out to too many people because I want to be able to be as candid as possible when I write there...thus, I don't want everyone in the world to be reading it...I'd like to keep it for the people that I really care about and that have a direct role in my life right now.

I have debated in my mind over and over about whether to just put it out there on this blog for everyone to have or whether I should just tell you to send me a message if you want the site. Then I thought about two of the things that Reina always tells me: 1) "Do it the Jen way." 2) "Put it all out on the table...that's the Jen way...you don't like to hold anything back...you like to put your cards out on the table and let things fall how they may" With that I hope that you will all take the time to visit my blog page and please, let me know what you think whether you have an opinion, some advice, or just a friendly comment.

The blog is at racinjayhawk.blogspot.com

ENJOY!!!

The Dating Game

Well, you all know that when I have a lot on my mind I like to write to try to get it all straight...so here goes:

Ok, so as you all know my goal was to take advantage of the single life for awhile and truly attempt to play the dating game and talk to multiple people until I found someone on that was really worth my time. Through this process I have come to the conclusion that this is really not fun! It is stressfull, confusing, and just plain hard. Some days I feel like I just can't handle that. Though it has been quite the ordeal and rather entertaining for my friends, I'm ready for it to be over.

I have met a new guy recently...well, we first talked about two months ago if you want to get technical. But, for all real and normal purposes we have been talking for a little over a month. He is super sweet and I like him a lot. However, like all the others, I don't know him at all and am trying to keep my guard up. I will say that it is very possible that Nick could be one that would make me want to stop talking to all the others...and give things a real chance. In fact, he's already making me feel that way to a point. I finally told Nate for the umpteenth time that I am over it for real for real! I haven't talked to Steve in almost a week...and let's be real, we never really talked much at all anyway. We have all obviously been confused by my friendship with Cupcake and that has officially made it back to the friend zone peacefully. He even finally talked to me about my current situation rather candidly. I wasn't sure that was ever going to happen!!! So, although there are a few guy friends with a little potential, most of my attention has been going to Nick...and regardless of what happens, I am perfectly fine with that.

That all said: Talking to someone can be so confusing. Especially for an over-thinker like me. I'm sure it really isn't that confusing, but you know me. I felt like I had done so well with not letting it get to me or consume my thoughts too much, but the last 48 hours have been quite the struggle. I have no idea what is going on and you know for a person with little patience that is used to being in control...that's a hard one to grasp. I know that I am happy with the way things have been going and that I really enjoy talking to him and spending time with him. He is super sweet. I know you should just roll with the punches and go with the flow, which I had been doing just fine with, but I guess I just wish I had some clue of where this was going or maybe where he was wanting it to go...I don't know.

Another thing is all the baggage from my past. Bryant Nash told me at the beginning of the summer that my relationship with Jericho and the issues from that relationship will affect how I look at and deal with relationships for a long time. At that point I told him that wouldn't happen, that I knew that Jericho wasn't normal and all guys weren't like him. Yet, as always, it seems like Mr. B Nashty was right again. I find myself questioning stupid shit in my head and being quick to jump to a certain thought process. We all know that there were probably three or four major issues in that relationship that could affect my thoughts, views, and actions in the future. I guess the question becomes: HOW & WHEN DO YOU TELL THE PERSON THAT YOU ARE TALKING TO & REALLY INTERESTED IN THAT YOU HAVE THIS BAGGAGE & EXACTLY WHAT THE BAGGAGE IS? There is Rob who will tell you just to chill and roll with it because you don't want to freak the poor guy out...then there is Mike who will tell you to just talk to him like you talk to me and CW and everyone else when something is on your mind...I guess there has to be a meet in the middle. I also know that timing is everything and I really don't want to fuck this one up because of bad timing of a single conversation.

So that leads us to, NOW WHAT?

Now that I have gotten all my thoughts out in writing...if Nick doesn't read this first, I will try to roll with the punches and go with the flow as much as possible...then, next time we hangout or when the timing seems right I will take Mike's advice and ask him where he is thinking he wants our situation to go and see where the conversation takes us from there. For now, I am going to wash my face...get ready for bed...and say my prayers...you know my philosphy: after you start to over-think something there's only one place for it to go...into God's hands and you just have to follow from there.

With that...Goodnight & I love you all!!!

You may think I'm bulletproof but I'm not.

Introduce yourself: I'm Jennifer Brown and yes I do live in a world that's all about me! ;-) j/k you all know that I am a very caring and thoughful person when I want to be :-P

It's Thursday at noon, where are you usually? Leaving the office to head home for lunch.

Which Shampoo is in your bathroom right now? Sunsilk and Dove

Honestly, if you could have ANYONE in the world , who would it be? I thought I knew once...but now I'm really not sure.

What are you listening to right now? KJ talking to Stacey in his cube.

How do you feel about your hair? I like it...although it seems to be growing really fast.

When, where, why was the last time you cried? In my bed at about 6:30am Wednesday morning because I thought I was going to die...after I had been throwing up approximately every 30 minutes for two hours.

What movie is in your DVD player? There's not one right now.

Last two numbers in your phone number? 66

What side of the bed do you sleep on? Well, depends on whether I'm alone or not ;-) Generally the right side I think.

Do you like roller coasters? No, not so much.

What are your plans for this friday? Relaxing and maybe putting up Christmas decorations. I've got to save my energy because tomorrow is a full day!!!

When was the last time you were up all night? Um...when my Grandpa died, back in July.

Where is your favorite place? A bench overlooking the football field up by the Campanile

Do you ever think about the price of gasoline? Yeah, but not too often...I'm gonna buy it regardless, so no need to think about it too much.

Do you sleep with a fan on? No.

What is the best thing about winter? Christmas and spending time with my family.

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking? I'm generally pretty outspoken...until I need to be...that's when I struggle.

Are you currently planning a trip? I wish.

Who did you last high- five? My Dad at the KU vs. MU football game! GO HAWKS!!!

What did you last buy? Burt's Bees and a shirt for Nevaeh at Hy-Vee.

Whats on your mind right now? How I'm getting sleepy and don't really want to be here right now.

Do you want to take something back that happened in the last week? Yeah, getting sick!

Do you watch The Hills? Guilty.

Can you sleep in jeans ? I can, but I'd never choose to.

Who was the last person you were in a car with? My Dad last Saturday.

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn' t be? No, I think everyone that is there is just fine.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? Old Navy.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations? Sometimes...depends upon who's on the other end of the line.

How late did you stay up last night ? About 9:00...I was exhausted after being sick the past 3 days and I was determined to be at work today!

What will you be doing at 8 AM tomorrow? Probably just getting up and around.

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning? Just getting to work.

What were you doing half an hour ago? Working...check requests I think.

Do you cry easily? Yeah, you could say that.

Were you happy when you woke up today? Yes!!!

Do you have trust issues? Oh yeah!

Do you like to have long hair or short hair? In between.

Are you wearing make-up? Yeah.

Do you have any sisters? Technically...no

Have you changed in the past year? Oh have I ever...this past year has been quite a ride to say
the least! But I'm learning that's a good thing! :-)

When is the last time you talked to number 1 on your top friends? I don't technically have a
number one on my friends list, but I've talked to a few people today.

How do you pronounce your name? Is it really that hard...

Do you know a kid named David? Yeah, if you count guys my age as kids ;-)

Who was the last person to make you laugh? I don't know.

Who was the last person you talked to in person? Dawn.

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? OH YEAH!

Where are your siblings? I have no idea where my brother is...I'm not his babysitter.