Back in high school there was once a yearbook title of "Where Everybody Knows Your Name". At the time everyone thought it was the best fit for the attendees at Seaman High School. Thing is, it was just that, a place where everybody knew your name, yet they didn't know much more than that. The best quote to explain how I felt in high school comes from Jay-Z, "You only know what you see, you don't understand what it takes to be me." Again, oh so true. Although back in high school we knew everyones name, for the most part no one really KNEW each other. There are exceptions of course. I still have Nancy as one of my best friends...since second grade. Other than Nancy though, there just aren't too many people from high school that I still keep in touch with. Of course I see a few at the race track now and then and in college I would run into JP and a couple others on campus occasionally, but I can't say that I know them.
The other day I read a blog from one of my former classmates. I must say that I know we have all changed in the past 5-10 years, but I learned more in the 5 minutes I took to read that blog than I recall ever knowing through all of our years in school together. Now, that's sad. High school is what it is and there is a lot of drama. Looking back I wish that I had taken the time to get to know more people...or rather, that they had taken the time to get to know me. I am so pleased to be reconnecting with some of these old classmates now that we are out in the real world. Some were friends then and will never be more than aquantances now...and some were never more than aquantances then and will be friends moving forward. Either way, I will never forget the years spent in a place where everybody knew your name...yet I am so grateful for that time to be in my past and am so blessed with who I have become.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Get with the program...part II ?
Ok, Sfar here you go. As promised my more lengthy response to your latest blog. Before I start, can I just say thank goodness for a double monitor so I can read along as I go. :)
Well lady, you're right...the best thing to do is "get off your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself." and it is true that "Life's a bitch and this isn't front page news." However, it is so much easier to think that or tell a friend than to actually force yourself to do.
That said...I know that you are crushed that this opportunity didn't come to be reality...however, I wouldn't take it as complete rejection. This was something that you had been wokring on for a very long time and nothing you did has brought the economy to where it is today. Although, you shouldn't have put all your eggs in one basket it is so easy to do. When we want something so badly you can't help but to put all of your effort into it. Now that we are back to the drawing board, we just have to make sure that you stay focused on the dream and don't get held up with a stepping-stone to achieving that dream. As we look to the future there are multiple stepping-stones we will have to cross to reach our dreams and goals. Each step we take we will more than likely have multiple stones to choose from...we have to be sure that we don't try to land on one stone without closely looking at each of them. Ok...so that was totally dumb and cheesy, but you get my point. If you put all your effort into trying to get one opportunity, you may let something even better pass you by in the long run.
So, you've gotta have some faith, pull yourself together and get on to plan B...because I'm sure that Obama won't be sharing the wealth anytime soon! You are right, you can't have faith in anyone else...but if you have faith in yourself you'll get that dream...it just may not be by taking the path you set out on to begin with.
Let's look at your Dad's philosophy for a second..."face reality." Makes sense...have you done that yet? Reality is, you aren't going to be an intern at Sprint right now, you are still in Topeka re-learning lives most precious lessons from annoying kids day in and day out...but, it is also reality that your dream hasn't changed and that you can still get there. You can still get to Charlotte and you can still work in PR in some form related to NASCAR. The thing is, you just have to re-think how to get there.
I have faith in you Sfar, do you have it in yourself?
Now, for the most simple question...I'm not sure how you answered this, but I will answer it for myself:
If I don't see tomorrow would I be happy with the way I have lived my life?
Well, there are alwyas things we wish that we would have done a little differently or that we wish would have turned out a different way. But, I would say that in 2008 my life has come full circle. I have learned so much about myself as I have been faced with so many obstacles. Someday I would still like the chance to head to Charlotte with you or walk into an office at Allen Fieldhouse everyday...but more importantly I want to be there for my family and be just a phone call, a car ride, or a flight away. I have learned that you have to dream big and work for those dreams, but you have to remember that some times the most important things and just what you're looking for may be right in front of your face. Think about it. I started 2008 in a position in motorsports...I had an opportunity to go to Memphis and I let it go...good thing, because my family needed me more than ever this year...and truth be told, I needed them too. Now, with a lot of frustration and hundreds of resumes out the door I am so blessed to drive on to the campus of the University of Kansas everyday where I get to come to work representing the very thing that has driven me since I was a little girl. I have been a Jayhawk for as long as I can remember, I wanted nothing more than to attend the University of Kansas and walk down the Hill through the Campanile and into Memorial Stadium. I did just that, I have the piece of paper and student loan to prove it. Although I am not working with Athletes on a daily basis, I am still here a part of the tradition. It's a stepping-stone Sarah...one that may lead me down the hill to Naismith Drive and the most beautiful building in the country (Allen Fieldhouse) or one that could lead me back to Kansas City, to a dirt track between here and the east coast, or maybe even Charlotte, NC. Wherever this path may lead, I am thankful for the ride, and blessed with the lessons and experience...and yes, if I don't see tomorrow I would be happy with the way I have lived my life.
I love each and every one of you that has been a part of this journey called life...you are my family, my friends, my mentors...you have had a hand in who I have become and who I am still to be...thank you!
Well lady, you're right...the best thing to do is "get off your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself." and it is true that "Life's a bitch and this isn't front page news." However, it is so much easier to think that or tell a friend than to actually force yourself to do.
That said...I know that you are crushed that this opportunity didn't come to be reality...however, I wouldn't take it as complete rejection. This was something that you had been wokring on for a very long time and nothing you did has brought the economy to where it is today. Although, you shouldn't have put all your eggs in one basket it is so easy to do. When we want something so badly you can't help but to put all of your effort into it. Now that we are back to the drawing board, we just have to make sure that you stay focused on the dream and don't get held up with a stepping-stone to achieving that dream. As we look to the future there are multiple stepping-stones we will have to cross to reach our dreams and goals. Each step we take we will more than likely have multiple stones to choose from...we have to be sure that we don't try to land on one stone without closely looking at each of them. Ok...so that was totally dumb and cheesy, but you get my point. If you put all your effort into trying to get one opportunity, you may let something even better pass you by in the long run.
So, you've gotta have some faith, pull yourself together and get on to plan B...because I'm sure that Obama won't be sharing the wealth anytime soon! You are right, you can't have faith in anyone else...but if you have faith in yourself you'll get that dream...it just may not be by taking the path you set out on to begin with.
Let's look at your Dad's philosophy for a second..."face reality." Makes sense...have you done that yet? Reality is, you aren't going to be an intern at Sprint right now, you are still in Topeka re-learning lives most precious lessons from annoying kids day in and day out...but, it is also reality that your dream hasn't changed and that you can still get there. You can still get to Charlotte and you can still work in PR in some form related to NASCAR. The thing is, you just have to re-think how to get there.
I have faith in you Sfar, do you have it in yourself?
Now, for the most simple question...I'm not sure how you answered this, but I will answer it for myself:
If I don't see tomorrow would I be happy with the way I have lived my life?
Well, there are alwyas things we wish that we would have done a little differently or that we wish would have turned out a different way. But, I would say that in 2008 my life has come full circle. I have learned so much about myself as I have been faced with so many obstacles. Someday I would still like the chance to head to Charlotte with you or walk into an office at Allen Fieldhouse everyday...but more importantly I want to be there for my family and be just a phone call, a car ride, or a flight away. I have learned that you have to dream big and work for those dreams, but you have to remember that some times the most important things and just what you're looking for may be right in front of your face. Think about it. I started 2008 in a position in motorsports...I had an opportunity to go to Memphis and I let it go...good thing, because my family needed me more than ever this year...and truth be told, I needed them too. Now, with a lot of frustration and hundreds of resumes out the door I am so blessed to drive on to the campus of the University of Kansas everyday where I get to come to work representing the very thing that has driven me since I was a little girl. I have been a Jayhawk for as long as I can remember, I wanted nothing more than to attend the University of Kansas and walk down the Hill through the Campanile and into Memorial Stadium. I did just that, I have the piece of paper and student loan to prove it. Although I am not working with Athletes on a daily basis, I am still here a part of the tradition. It's a stepping-stone Sarah...one that may lead me down the hill to Naismith Drive and the most beautiful building in the country (Allen Fieldhouse) or one that could lead me back to Kansas City, to a dirt track between here and the east coast, or maybe even Charlotte, NC. Wherever this path may lead, I am thankful for the ride, and blessed with the lessons and experience...and yes, if I don't see tomorrow I would be happy with the way I have lived my life.
I love each and every one of you that has been a part of this journey called life...you are my family, my friends, my mentors...you have had a hand in who I have become and who I am still to be...thank you!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Bowyer news...can we say interesting...
Every week I try to log on to cjonline to check out the celebrations. I like to see who is getting engaged and who has gotten married. It's always interesting to see people you know, but today I saw one that really shocked me.
Greeson - Bowyer
Casey Bowyer was dating Brook Greeson years ago when I was writing for Champion Direct...how long has that been now...over 5 years. I am shocked that they are finally getting married. Not to say I've kept tabs, because I haven't. I guess my surprise is that it has take so long for Casey to put a ring on her finger. Good news is she was around before big brother made it to the big time...
Seeing this makes me reflect on the Bowyer family name and what it generally reflects. My definition to that name would be all across the bored...from arrogant to talented. I hope that as Brook becomes a Bowyer she will still remember where she came from, because Lord knows the majority of the Bowyer glan has forgotten...except of course when it is the right think to say to the media.
Don't get me wrong, I am a Bowyer fan...have been since the days of the Factory Stock at the short track. Back in the days when Clint was simply The Kid. I am excited to see him succeed and saddened to see him act like he has forgotten where he came from and the people who helped to get him there. I remember watching Clint when we were all young and thinking he was such an ass and then I got to know him and his family and began to see that Clint was a great guy with a great family, but then Clint got a Sunday job and it seems like when he comes home he is that same PFP he was in high school. I know that when people tell me Clint is really just a cocky little jerk I'm the first to say...he's not so bad, you just gotta get to know him...and that's a true statement, but does anyone that knew Clint on dirt really know Clint now?
With that I wish the best to Casey and Brook and their future together as well as to Clint Bowyer Racing for the 2009 Season.
Goodnight and I love you all!
Greeson - Bowyer
Casey Bowyer was dating Brook Greeson years ago when I was writing for Champion Direct...how long has that been now...over 5 years. I am shocked that they are finally getting married. Not to say I've kept tabs, because I haven't. I guess my surprise is that it has take so long for Casey to put a ring on her finger. Good news is she was around before big brother made it to the big time...
Seeing this makes me reflect on the Bowyer family name and what it generally reflects. My definition to that name would be all across the bored...from arrogant to talented. I hope that as Brook becomes a Bowyer she will still remember where she came from, because Lord knows the majority of the Bowyer glan has forgotten...except of course when it is the right think to say to the media.
Don't get me wrong, I am a Bowyer fan...have been since the days of the Factory Stock at the short track. Back in the days when Clint was simply The Kid. I am excited to see him succeed and saddened to see him act like he has forgotten where he came from and the people who helped to get him there. I remember watching Clint when we were all young and thinking he was such an ass and then I got to know him and his family and began to see that Clint was a great guy with a great family, but then Clint got a Sunday job and it seems like when he comes home he is that same PFP he was in high school. I know that when people tell me Clint is really just a cocky little jerk I'm the first to say...he's not so bad, you just gotta get to know him...and that's a true statement, but does anyone that knew Clint on dirt really know Clint now?
With that I wish the best to Casey and Brook and their future together as well as to Clint Bowyer Racing for the 2009 Season.
Goodnight and I love you all!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Overload
Ok, so as usual, my mind has been on overload the past 36 hours or so. Not that I want to get into why or what's up right now though.
I do want to stay that I am ecstatic that my Mom came to see me today! I know that she spends every waking moment taking care of or cleaning up after someone, but I really just wanted her to be here. My project for the day...cleaning up the spare room! I knew that this was a project that I needed to tackle on my own, however, I wanted my Mom to be here. She came up and sat with me as I got the room back to a room. I swear it looked like a tornado has went through. I'm super excited that it looks and feels like a functional room. For awhile there I had been leaving the door shut because I didn't want anyone to see how bad it was. Now, I can't wait for Nick to come by or the girls to come up for the weekend and see the transformation.
Well, there's another thing Nick. Nick and I had an interesting weekend. I will say that there were moments of confusion, but by the time I went to sleep on Saturday night I think we were on the same page. I'm sure you are all dying to know what happened or why all the confusion. However, for now I would rather not say. I know that I have been pretty open with all of you lately and want to do so always, but there are somethings that need to be between the people involved. Nothing from this weekend was a bad thing at all...and I am very glad that we are able to communicate with each other to ensure that we are on the same page. I hope that we can remain open and honest with each other as we see where things go. As we both have reservations to getting into another relationship after the ones from our past I think that it is essential that we take our time and go with the flow as much as possible. I really like Nick and I know that he likes me...regardless of pace or titles or anything else, what will be will be and I truly believe that is out of our control, so for now, we will go with the flow and move at a pace that is comfortable for both of us. If this works then it works, if it doesn't then it doesn't.
So, as my extended weekend comes to a close I am sad that I didn't get to spend more time with my family, ecstatic that my apartment is coming together, and comfortable with where things stand with Nick.
And I think that's all you need to know for now...
...so Goodnight and I love you all!
I do want to stay that I am ecstatic that my Mom came to see me today! I know that she spends every waking moment taking care of or cleaning up after someone, but I really just wanted her to be here. My project for the day...cleaning up the spare room! I knew that this was a project that I needed to tackle on my own, however, I wanted my Mom to be here. She came up and sat with me as I got the room back to a room. I swear it looked like a tornado has went through. I'm super excited that it looks and feels like a functional room. For awhile there I had been leaving the door shut because I didn't want anyone to see how bad it was. Now, I can't wait for Nick to come by or the girls to come up for the weekend and see the transformation.
Well, there's another thing Nick. Nick and I had an interesting weekend. I will say that there were moments of confusion, but by the time I went to sleep on Saturday night I think we were on the same page. I'm sure you are all dying to know what happened or why all the confusion. However, for now I would rather not say. I know that I have been pretty open with all of you lately and want to do so always, but there are somethings that need to be between the people involved. Nothing from this weekend was a bad thing at all...and I am very glad that we are able to communicate with each other to ensure that we are on the same page. I hope that we can remain open and honest with each other as we see where things go. As we both have reservations to getting into another relationship after the ones from our past I think that it is essential that we take our time and go with the flow as much as possible. I really like Nick and I know that he likes me...regardless of pace or titles or anything else, what will be will be and I truly believe that is out of our control, so for now, we will go with the flow and move at a pace that is comfortable for both of us. If this works then it works, if it doesn't then it doesn't.
So, as my extended weekend comes to a close I am sad that I didn't get to spend more time with my family, ecstatic that my apartment is coming together, and comfortable with where things stand with Nick.
And I think that's all you need to know for now...
...so Goodnight and I love you all!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Low BS tolerance is getting lower
It's funny how when you meet someone new that you really like, you try to give them the benefit of the doubt just a little more than you normally would. Well, I must say this boy has gotten the benefit of the doubt a lot more than I normally would give it. I'm not sure why. However, I am sure that it's not going to last much longer. You all know how I am, I hit that wall...the one where I say to myself, this is BS I'm not dealing with it any more. I'm sure that's probably why I am single now and have put up with $hitheads most of my adult life. The thing is, I am also fully aware that if I don't begin to work on my patience, that I will probably run off, or run away from rather, some really great guys.
I am trying to go with the flow when it comes to Nick...I am trying to stay patient and just enjoy what I'm living...but here's the deal:
~I will not sit at home and wait...unless you are very specific about when I can expect to see you.
~I will not call and text you all the time...this needs to be even, I'm not a chaser here...don't need to be!
~I will not fight for you or with you. There are many other people that would be happy to give me undivided attention...I will not compete for yours AND I will not fight with you unless it is a fight that needs to be had...so little attitudes will get on my nerves quick! I've had too many fights over nothing and I won't do that again.
~Being vague or avoiding a conversation will only send me back to what I know from my past...I hate to be always questioning everything...so just speak up.
~Honesty is always best...no matter what!
~Communication is key...like what's going on in your life communication, not just what's up, did you see the game, etc.
~Patience is power...but sometimes I just don't have any!
~Time with your boys for you and my girls for me is essential, but time together is also very important.
~I am not a puppet, so don't think you can string me along until I fit into your schedule...it just doesn't work that way.
~Neither one of us is really that busy...if we want to make time for each other we will...just like that...so I will never be too busy to pick up the phone or catch a movie and I will never believe that you are too busy so don't try that excuse.
I'm sure there are a million more things I could add to this list. Don't get me wrong, Nick is a great guy and he isn't doing anything wrong. I just have a very low BS tolerance and when I start to recognize this then things that I have been blowing off start to get noticed. The list above just includes some of the points that I have to remind myself so I don't fall back into old patterns of old relationships that just don't work. After my last breakup I vowed to myself that I would re-evaluate my standards and not settle for anything less than what I deserve. It is easy to forget this and fall into whatever gets comfortable.
I like Nick a lot and so far things seem to be going well, but today I felt like I needed to reflect a minute on a few of the things that are important for me to remember as our relationship (or whatever the hell you want to call it) continues to grow.
For now, I am living in the moment and loving every minute of it...and I plan to continue to do just that!
Love you all!
~Jen :-)
I am trying to go with the flow when it comes to Nick...I am trying to stay patient and just enjoy what I'm living...but here's the deal:
~I will not sit at home and wait...unless you are very specific about when I can expect to see you.
~I will not call and text you all the time...this needs to be even, I'm not a chaser here...don't need to be!
~I will not fight for you or with you. There are many other people that would be happy to give me undivided attention...I will not compete for yours AND I will not fight with you unless it is a fight that needs to be had...so little attitudes will get on my nerves quick! I've had too many fights over nothing and I won't do that again.
~Being vague or avoiding a conversation will only send me back to what I know from my past...I hate to be always questioning everything...so just speak up.
~Honesty is always best...no matter what!
~Communication is key...like what's going on in your life communication, not just what's up, did you see the game, etc.
~Patience is power...but sometimes I just don't have any!
~Time with your boys for you and my girls for me is essential, but time together is also very important.
~I am not a puppet, so don't think you can string me along until I fit into your schedule...it just doesn't work that way.
~Neither one of us is really that busy...if we want to make time for each other we will...just like that...so I will never be too busy to pick up the phone or catch a movie and I will never believe that you are too busy so don't try that excuse.
I'm sure there are a million more things I could add to this list. Don't get me wrong, Nick is a great guy and he isn't doing anything wrong. I just have a very low BS tolerance and when I start to recognize this then things that I have been blowing off start to get noticed. The list above just includes some of the points that I have to remind myself so I don't fall back into old patterns of old relationships that just don't work. After my last breakup I vowed to myself that I would re-evaluate my standards and not settle for anything less than what I deserve. It is easy to forget this and fall into whatever gets comfortable.
I like Nick a lot and so far things seem to be going well, but today I felt like I needed to reflect a minute on a few of the things that are important for me to remember as our relationship (or whatever the hell you want to call it) continues to grow.
For now, I am living in the moment and loving every minute of it...and I plan to continue to do just that!
Love you all!
~Jen :-)
Monday, December 29, 2008
Love Triangles
A love triangle is a romantic relationship involving three people. While it can refer to two people independently romantically linked with a third, it usually implies that each of the three people has some kind of relationship to the other two. The relationships can be friendships, romantic, familial (often siblings), or even pre-existing hatred between rivals.
Ok, now that we have the definition clear, we need to discuss my situations and get this shit clear. You all know that I hate drama and that I am a lay the cards on the table kind of girl.
There are two 'triangles' in my live that need some attention:
I'm not sure whether to start with the most recent or the one that's been going on the longest...guess I'll start with the most recent.
1) Jennifer, Nick, and Mike
Situation: Nick and I have been having a great time getting to know each other. I really like him and hope things continue to progress as they have been. It seems that one person has a potential to get in the middle of our relationship and that needs to be avoided at any cost. Mike is a great friend. He and Nick have been friends forever and although Mike and I have known each other for a long time, we have just recently started communicating on a more regular basis. It seems as though it is very possible for Mike to be a link between Nick and I that could cause some conflict if Nick and I aren't up on our communication. I am big on keeping conversations between the people who had them, but as we all know they tend to get out from time to time and we are all guilty of letting that happen.
Priority: My growing relationship with Nick.
Solution: To avoid having things become complicated and problems arising, my solution for this situation is simple. Nick and Mike have been close friends for a long time and I don't want anything to happen to that. Also, I am really excited to see where things go with Nick and I and I don't want to jeopardize that. I am going to stop texting with Mike and stop telling him more than casual conversation things. Don't get me wrong, I still consider Mike a good friend, but the communciation can't continue as it has been or I fear that it may cause an unintentional mess. Hopefully if these guys read this they will understand.
2) Chris, Meredith, and Jennifer
Situation: So you all know my relationship with Chris...he is one of my best friends and we know each other very well. He has had a rough year and that's all that needs to be said about that. Although his relationship isn't perfect (who's is) they are trying to make things work out. Meredith and I didn't get along at first...I think that she was concerned that there was more between Chris than there is. Once she understood that we were friends and nothing more we began to get along a lot better. However, she has spent a lot of time confiding in me about things happening in their life. Although, I am happy to be a friend and listen, one thing I will no longer do is try to help her in dealing with Christopher. Don't get me wrong, I want things to work with them...if that's what Chris wants, but they have to live that themselves. I cannot be the link between them. It took one simple question and one conversation for me to hit a wall with this middle man, triangle crap...I realized in that moment, that this wasn't working for me.
Priority: Christopher and my friendship with him.
Solution: Although I knew it wouldn't go over well, the solution was simple. I had to tell Meredith that she couldn't come to me for all the answers. I am happy to be her friend and to listen to her vent, but I cannot always tell her (or Chris for that matter) what to do when it comes to their relationship. They are in a relationship with each other and they need to communicate and work things out. As long as Chris is with Meredith I will be open to that and as friendly as I can be to her. She is a fun girl to hangout with. However, when push comes to shove, Christopher is my best friend and I have to have his back....which I always do. However, my friendship with Chris and his relationship with Meredith need to be separate...if they start to intermix it gets messy and I can't handle that drama. Thus, as it stands now...I consider Meredith a friend and wish them both the best, but I will not be involved in their relationship in any fashion. The most I can do is offer Chris advice when he comes looking as he always does for me.
*Now if things work out as easy as it sounds on paper we will be set. I do think that everything happens for a reason and what's meant to be will. I don't think that any of the friendships and relationships here can truly be affected my one person or one conversation. I believe that friendships and relationships are gifts to us and some are meant to last longer than others, but all have a purpose and how long they last, how they work out, and how they end if they ever do is beyond our control. So look up, have Faith, and enjoy the ride!
I love you all!
~Jen :)
Ok, now that we have the definition clear, we need to discuss my situations and get this shit clear. You all know that I hate drama and that I am a lay the cards on the table kind of girl.
There are two 'triangles' in my live that need some attention:
I'm not sure whether to start with the most recent or the one that's been going on the longest...guess I'll start with the most recent.
1) Jennifer, Nick, and Mike
Situation: Nick and I have been having a great time getting to know each other. I really like him and hope things continue to progress as they have been. It seems that one person has a potential to get in the middle of our relationship and that needs to be avoided at any cost. Mike is a great friend. He and Nick have been friends forever and although Mike and I have known each other for a long time, we have just recently started communicating on a more regular basis. It seems as though it is very possible for Mike to be a link between Nick and I that could cause some conflict if Nick and I aren't up on our communication. I am big on keeping conversations between the people who had them, but as we all know they tend to get out from time to time and we are all guilty of letting that happen.
Priority: My growing relationship with Nick.
Solution: To avoid having things become complicated and problems arising, my solution for this situation is simple. Nick and Mike have been close friends for a long time and I don't want anything to happen to that. Also, I am really excited to see where things go with Nick and I and I don't want to jeopardize that. I am going to stop texting with Mike and stop telling him more than casual conversation things. Don't get me wrong, I still consider Mike a good friend, but the communciation can't continue as it has been or I fear that it may cause an unintentional mess. Hopefully if these guys read this they will understand.
2) Chris, Meredith, and Jennifer
Situation: So you all know my relationship with Chris...he is one of my best friends and we know each other very well. He has had a rough year and that's all that needs to be said about that. Although his relationship isn't perfect (who's is) they are trying to make things work out. Meredith and I didn't get along at first...I think that she was concerned that there was more between Chris than there is. Once she understood that we were friends and nothing more we began to get along a lot better. However, she has spent a lot of time confiding in me about things happening in their life. Although, I am happy to be a friend and listen, one thing I will no longer do is try to help her in dealing with Christopher. Don't get me wrong, I want things to work with them...if that's what Chris wants, but they have to live that themselves. I cannot be the link between them. It took one simple question and one conversation for me to hit a wall with this middle man, triangle crap...I realized in that moment, that this wasn't working for me.
Priority: Christopher and my friendship with him.
Solution: Although I knew it wouldn't go over well, the solution was simple. I had to tell Meredith that she couldn't come to me for all the answers. I am happy to be her friend and to listen to her vent, but I cannot always tell her (or Chris for that matter) what to do when it comes to their relationship. They are in a relationship with each other and they need to communicate and work things out. As long as Chris is with Meredith I will be open to that and as friendly as I can be to her. She is a fun girl to hangout with. However, when push comes to shove, Christopher is my best friend and I have to have his back....which I always do. However, my friendship with Chris and his relationship with Meredith need to be separate...if they start to intermix it gets messy and I can't handle that drama. Thus, as it stands now...I consider Meredith a friend and wish them both the best, but I will not be involved in their relationship in any fashion. The most I can do is offer Chris advice when he comes looking as he always does for me.
*Now if things work out as easy as it sounds on paper we will be set. I do think that everything happens for a reason and what's meant to be will. I don't think that any of the friendships and relationships here can truly be affected my one person or one conversation. I believe that friendships and relationships are gifts to us and some are meant to last longer than others, but all have a purpose and how long they last, how they work out, and how they end if they ever do is beyond our control. So look up, have Faith, and enjoy the ride!
I love you all!
~Jen :)
Sunday, December 28, 2008
2008 Wrap-Up
This has been a year full! I don't know how else to say it. Although, I am sure Jimmy V would be proud as most days I have laughed, thought, and cried.
Now for a little reflection...as most of the action started around April.
April:
~Left HPT
~Went back to Kansas Speedway to work the first race I'd been to since I left for HPT
~Jericho and I broke up
~Left First Management
~Spent a lot of time refelcting with CW and this really got me thinking again like always
~As he had been for the past few months, Bryant was my rock. He had been my emotional back bone through a lot of the drama at HPT and with my Grandpa's heatlh being so touch and go. I think that I leaned on him a lot when we started talking again...instead of Jericho...did this cause our breakup...NO...but it helped speed along the inevitable. And, yes, the what ifs returned once more as they had multiple times in recent months.
May:
~Drama with Jericho continued...as he had not completely been cut from my life.
~I tried to pick up a few extra hours at Kansas Speedway to get by while I continued my job search.
~Bryant had came through town and I got to see him for the first time since college. He continued to be a great friend. The what ifs continued to come up...he had even said that had he not had the gf from Germany that he would give it a try. Then my dumbass got all twisted with the emotions from the breakup that I actually confided in BNash...I thought that it was no biggie at first...but I quickly realized that it was putting all the what ifs behind us...possibly for good...I guess time will tell.
~Reina continued to be a great friend as we were both dealing with some things. This was only the beginning of the tightening of our bond.
June:
~I landed a great job. KU Endowment. Yes, I get to drive onto the campus of the University of Kansas everyday!!!
~I found out that Jericho had started seeing Chrissy...this girl he had been spending a lot of time with since are break up. I also was informed that she would be his date to a wedding that we had both been invited to. I barely said hi to him at the wedding and didn't talk to him again for a few months...cutting him out of my life completely was the best move that I could make...too bad I didn't realize that a lot sooner...but you live and learn, right?
~Bryant came through once again and got on a plane from TX to be with me at the wedding and spend a weekend here in KS. I am so glad that he did that for me and it will never be forgotten. That was very big of him. However, our friendship hit a glacier bigger than the Titanic could imagine and although the last time I saw him (at the airport) he gave me a hug tighter, stronger, bigger than you could ever imagine...it just hasn't been the same since.
~I began to spend a lot of time with Reina and eventually with Steph and some of the other girls at the Speedway.
July:
~Bryant and I were not communicating...and I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on with him...but it hurt as much, if not more than my break-up with Jericho.
~My Grandfather passed away. He had been struggling a lot with his health for a long time. Although this was so hard for everyone...I am confident that he is no longer suffering and is now in a better place.
~Bryant did talk to me the morning that my Grandpa died, but the conversation ended in a fight.
~I was starting to get out with my girls and break out of all the depression that I had let myself get into over Jericho and my job situation.
August:
~CW's Mom was killed by his father. This was a turning point for me. I had been so focused on my and my problems...but when the phone rang first thing in the morning and Chris told me what had happened...my problems seemed so small...in that moment, and for the next few weeks, nothing else mattered but Christopher and what he needed and what he was dealing with.
~Bryant and I were still barely communicating.
~My girls were my rock.
September:
~Cup Week at Kansas! Need I say more...It was great to see old friends and spend time with people that I love to be around.
~This marked the start of a closer friendship with Mike Espino also.
October:
~Mike and I had been continuing to chat a lot...
~Because of Mike and I being friends...I got a message on myspace...although I blew it off at that moment...little did I know the man it was from would come back into my life in just a few short weeks.
~I was spending a ton of time with the girls.
~I had been spending quite a bit of time talking online with Jeremy Bach. Jeremy and I had met years ago when I lived with Sally. We had liked each other back then, but I was still kinda talkin to Chris and I had just met Jericho.
~Uncle Dick passed away.
~I did something that I never imagined myself doing...I got in the car and drove to St.L to spend a weekend with Jeremy. I had no idea what to expect. I remember hitting Columbia, looking in the rearview mirror and asking myself WTF are you doing. I don't think I ever really figured out what I was doing, but it was a great weekend and I wouldn't take it back. I came home confused...and some days I am still confused when I think about Jeremy Bach.
~By this point I had started letting myself talk to other guys.
Novemeber:
~My friends were now calling me playa playa...altough I did have a 'list' at this point, I was so over the 'game'. It is stressful to try to keep track of all the guys and get to know any of them.
~CW and I had been through a lot the past few months...including Mer thinking we were trying to talk again. Finally Mer and I seemed to be becoming friends ourselfs.
~Nov. 7 the day after Espino's birthday we were all going to meet up at Danny's...and guess who happened to be there...Mr. MySpace...needless to say, we have been talking since.
December:
~I really struggled to get into the Christmas spirit this year. IDK what my deal was.
~As Nick and I started talking more....and went out for the first time...I began to realize that those other guys just weren't that interesting to me.
~Slowly I have started spending more time with Nick
~I have also stopped talking to all the other guys...of course a couple of them were only a step out of the friend zone and were easy to push back in...others are just donezo.
Now Where Things Are:
~At this point I have learned to be civil to Jericho when I hear from him. I am convinced that he wishes our relationship wasn't over, but I am at peace with it. I have no desire to ever go back there again.
~Bryant and I are definitely on speaking terms, but our friendship is by no means what it was. We went from talking multiple times a day about absolutely everything, to talking a time or two a month...and that's usually in the form of a text message or two. I MISS YOU B...I really do!
~I LOVE MY FAMILY MORE THAN ANYTHING and I am so happy that we were able to pull together this year and spend a lot of time together. I hope that we continue to spend as much time together in the future as we did this past year. I know that we were trying to cherish moments when we knew we had few to experience...but truth be told, we never really know, so we should cherish moments always. I am trying to keep them on the top of my list now the best I can...including spending more time talking with them all...including Jason and Cassie. Also, I have been trying to be there for Ash and Megs more.
~I love working for KU Endowment and being on campus everyday!
~I'm not sure I totally understand Jeremy, but he will always be a friend and I know some day everything will make perfect sense.
~Things with Nick seem to be going great...although I don't technically know where they stand. What I do know is that I truly enjoying talking to and being around him and that I have stopped talking to all the other guys on the list except him. I guess time will tell where we stand and where we are going...but I know that I wouldn't give up these moments and memories until then.
I am so happy with where my life is now. Each day I wake up and am excited for life...excited to see my friends, talk to my family, see where things are going with Nick...just everything! I am truly content. It has been a long haul, but I truly think I have came full circle. Through the laughter, the thought, and the tears I have learned plenty of life lessons and have really started to grow into me.
Thank you all for your patience and love...without you I wouldn't have gotten through everything.
Goodnight and I love you all!
~Jen :)
Now for a little reflection...as most of the action started around April.
April:
~Left HPT
~Went back to Kansas Speedway to work the first race I'd been to since I left for HPT
~Jericho and I broke up
~Left First Management
~Spent a lot of time refelcting with CW and this really got me thinking again like always
~As he had been for the past few months, Bryant was my rock. He had been my emotional back bone through a lot of the drama at HPT and with my Grandpa's heatlh being so touch and go. I think that I leaned on him a lot when we started talking again...instead of Jericho...did this cause our breakup...NO...but it helped speed along the inevitable. And, yes, the what ifs returned once more as they had multiple times in recent months.
May:
~Drama with Jericho continued...as he had not completely been cut from my life.
~I tried to pick up a few extra hours at Kansas Speedway to get by while I continued my job search.
~Bryant had came through town and I got to see him for the first time since college. He continued to be a great friend. The what ifs continued to come up...he had even said that had he not had the gf from Germany that he would give it a try. Then my dumbass got all twisted with the emotions from the breakup that I actually confided in BNash...I thought that it was no biggie at first...but I quickly realized that it was putting all the what ifs behind us...possibly for good...I guess time will tell.
~Reina continued to be a great friend as we were both dealing with some things. This was only the beginning of the tightening of our bond.
June:
~I landed a great job. KU Endowment. Yes, I get to drive onto the campus of the University of Kansas everyday!!!
~I found out that Jericho had started seeing Chrissy...this girl he had been spending a lot of time with since are break up. I also was informed that she would be his date to a wedding that we had both been invited to. I barely said hi to him at the wedding and didn't talk to him again for a few months...cutting him out of my life completely was the best move that I could make...too bad I didn't realize that a lot sooner...but you live and learn, right?
~Bryant came through once again and got on a plane from TX to be with me at the wedding and spend a weekend here in KS. I am so glad that he did that for me and it will never be forgotten. That was very big of him. However, our friendship hit a glacier bigger than the Titanic could imagine and although the last time I saw him (at the airport) he gave me a hug tighter, stronger, bigger than you could ever imagine...it just hasn't been the same since.
~I began to spend a lot of time with Reina and eventually with Steph and some of the other girls at the Speedway.
July:
~Bryant and I were not communicating...and I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on with him...but it hurt as much, if not more than my break-up with Jericho.
~My Grandfather passed away. He had been struggling a lot with his health for a long time. Although this was so hard for everyone...I am confident that he is no longer suffering and is now in a better place.
~Bryant did talk to me the morning that my Grandpa died, but the conversation ended in a fight.
~I was starting to get out with my girls and break out of all the depression that I had let myself get into over Jericho and my job situation.
August:
~CW's Mom was killed by his father. This was a turning point for me. I had been so focused on my and my problems...but when the phone rang first thing in the morning and Chris told me what had happened...my problems seemed so small...in that moment, and for the next few weeks, nothing else mattered but Christopher and what he needed and what he was dealing with.
~Bryant and I were still barely communicating.
~My girls were my rock.
September:
~Cup Week at Kansas! Need I say more...It was great to see old friends and spend time with people that I love to be around.
~This marked the start of a closer friendship with Mike Espino also.
October:
~Mike and I had been continuing to chat a lot...
~Because of Mike and I being friends...I got a message on myspace...although I blew it off at that moment...little did I know the man it was from would come back into my life in just a few short weeks.
~I was spending a ton of time with the girls.
~I had been spending quite a bit of time talking online with Jeremy Bach. Jeremy and I had met years ago when I lived with Sally. We had liked each other back then, but I was still kinda talkin to Chris and I had just met Jericho.
~Uncle Dick passed away.
~I did something that I never imagined myself doing...I got in the car and drove to St.L to spend a weekend with Jeremy. I had no idea what to expect. I remember hitting Columbia, looking in the rearview mirror and asking myself WTF are you doing. I don't think I ever really figured out what I was doing, but it was a great weekend and I wouldn't take it back. I came home confused...and some days I am still confused when I think about Jeremy Bach.
~By this point I had started letting myself talk to other guys.
Novemeber:
~My friends were now calling me playa playa...altough I did have a 'list' at this point, I was so over the 'game'. It is stressful to try to keep track of all the guys and get to know any of them.
~CW and I had been through a lot the past few months...including Mer thinking we were trying to talk again. Finally Mer and I seemed to be becoming friends ourselfs.
~Nov. 7 the day after Espino's birthday we were all going to meet up at Danny's...and guess who happened to be there...Mr. MySpace...needless to say, we have been talking since.
December:
~I really struggled to get into the Christmas spirit this year. IDK what my deal was.
~As Nick and I started talking more....and went out for the first time...I began to realize that those other guys just weren't that interesting to me.
~Slowly I have started spending more time with Nick
~I have also stopped talking to all the other guys...of course a couple of them were only a step out of the friend zone and were easy to push back in...others are just donezo.
Now Where Things Are:
~At this point I have learned to be civil to Jericho when I hear from him. I am convinced that he wishes our relationship wasn't over, but I am at peace with it. I have no desire to ever go back there again.
~Bryant and I are definitely on speaking terms, but our friendship is by no means what it was. We went from talking multiple times a day about absolutely everything, to talking a time or two a month...and that's usually in the form of a text message or two. I MISS YOU B...I really do!
~I LOVE MY FAMILY MORE THAN ANYTHING and I am so happy that we were able to pull together this year and spend a lot of time together. I hope that we continue to spend as much time together in the future as we did this past year. I know that we were trying to cherish moments when we knew we had few to experience...but truth be told, we never really know, so we should cherish moments always. I am trying to keep them on the top of my list now the best I can...including spending more time talking with them all...including Jason and Cassie. Also, I have been trying to be there for Ash and Megs more.
~I love working for KU Endowment and being on campus everyday!
~I'm not sure I totally understand Jeremy, but he will always be a friend and I know some day everything will make perfect sense.
~Things with Nick seem to be going great...although I don't technically know where they stand. What I do know is that I truly enjoying talking to and being around him and that I have stopped talking to all the other guys on the list except him. I guess time will tell where we stand and where we are going...but I know that I wouldn't give up these moments and memories until then.
I am so happy with where my life is now. Each day I wake up and am excited for life...excited to see my friends, talk to my family, see where things are going with Nick...just everything! I am truly content. It has been a long haul, but I truly think I have came full circle. Through the laughter, the thought, and the tears I have learned plenty of life lessons and have really started to grow into me.
Thank you all for your patience and love...without you I wouldn't have gotten through everything.
Goodnight and I love you all!
~Jen :)
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